So this is the New Year...

Everyone spends atleast 5 minutes thinking about resolutions. I have some desired changes I'd like to make, but I know I cannot say I am ready to resolve for change. Maybe I need to spend another 5.
Instead of resolutions, I think I am content to ponder over my blessings this year. I am so glad to have Ali. We've been spending a lot of time together, and though I can't hug on her like I used to, I have that same content feeling whenever she smiles. It's nice to be lazy and to enjoy our moments.

Isn't she cute? If you compare this to her profile picture, you'll realize she's pretty much unchanged!
I wish everyone the best 2007 you'll ever have. ;) Remember to breathe.

Fire

I can't write to save my life right now. But I'll say that we now use our fireplace. I'd convinced myself that it needed cleaning prior to use, and never wanted to clean it. But two years later (Tuesday) I looked up the chimney with a flashlight. It'd probably been used three times ever.

Thanks mom, for the fireplace screen I bought with your gift-card.

Home from the Holidays

We're back from our trip North to see family. It was very nice to see everyone and spend time there. Alison started feeling poorly on the way, and she was in the hurt-locker by the time we arrived. But being with her Momma was really good for her spirits. She was hurting so bad that we called the doctor. He doubled her dose of oxycontin, and it seemed to do the trick... until we realized she would run out in 24 hrs!

So then we went to the Emergency Room, which was like a highschool reunion for us. Alison knew a LOT of people there. Anyways, with business taken care of, we were ready for the home-bound trip. Of course, this is the abridged version of the trip, because here's the real news:

We've switched to a new form of chemotherapy. This new therapy is a three-day treatment that goes every three weeks. (The last one was every two) The drugs now being implemented are Carboplatin and VP-16. It was a little more daunting to change than I thought it'd be. Questions arose in me while the doctor spoke, like "Will this give her relief like the last regime?" and "What will the side-effects be?" and more than a few 'what-if's.' The side-effects are a trade: She'll no longer have temperature sensitivity, but she'll lose her hair. (bum trade probably).

So... a friend of Alison's has offered to donate some of her gorgeous blonde waist-length hair to a wig for Alison. A nurse at the center suggested a wig-maker to us. We don't know how fast it'll happen, so we'll have to see. I think the plan will be to head it off at the pass, and as soon as it begins, we'll buzz it.

Hair is not necessary until it becomes a symbol for us. That is, until we give it a meaning. Alison's hair had been a beacon for us, as if as long as we saw it, we'd be safe. We didn't intend it to be, but it has been. So this is scary. But I heard something the other day on a radio-sermon from [I think] Chuck Davis. He relayed an old sea-worthy saying [I have a soft-spot for sea-worthy sayings],

"He Who is Enslaved to the Compass has the Freedom of the Seas."

So as we move away from our beacon, I feel confident we'll still navigate just fine.

Immediate Action Drill

Yesterday we met with Alison's Oncologist to discuss what we learned in Tampa. We know there WILL be a drug change by her next session. Alison asked if we could hold off changing it until after the new year because we were planning on going north. The doctor said no. He thinks we cannot wait to change. Then he made the suggestion that we go now, while Alison's feeling decent, because there's no telling what her symptoms will be under the new drugs.

So we're heading North. Today. Christmas came for Alison and I last night. It was very nice, and very romantic. I'm sure she'll put some pictures on.

So to everyone, happy holidays, and we'll be back on the 26th!

Fonting It

Way back in Kindergarten, I was sitting at a undersized table for me (while I bounced the tabletop with my knees), writing on paper that upset me. It me uneasy because it wasn't white. Back then if paper was recycled, you knew it. It felt as dirty as it looked. It tore easily. And this paper was even worse because the lines were more than an inch in width, and had hash marks running down the middle. The hash marks, as it turned out, were the pages' only saving grace, because I discovered that I could imagine them as roads, and then imagine myself on my BMX riding down the lines and straight off the page.

We were practicing our handwriting. Learning each letter, and how to write it. Aa Bb Cc... We were all there, weren't we? And probably all of us wish now that we'd practiced a little more diligently. Now it's too late, and our handwriting is atrocious. It would take quitting our jobs and working strictly on handwriting, eight hours per day in front of recycled handwriting paper, to cause our rivers of nasty ink to meander towards neatness.

I've been thinking a lot about fonts lately. Maybe children should learn fonts earlier in life. Maybe if they knew that the way you depict each letter actually conveys a secret code to each person who reads it. It's an unmistakable impression that each person takes with them, as a secret decoder from ovaltine. [A Christmas Story reference for the season] That would spark an interest.

That's why I am NOT a school teacher. I would educate my young lads and ladies on album fonts. Ready for my first lesson? Quit reading here, most of you, this is for only someone who is interested. [Is it okay to dissuade your audience like that?]

We're going to analyze the fonts of my favorite-band-of-all-time, the Smashing Pumpkins.

[whom incidentally influenced the title, "Our Lady, Star of the Sea"]

This is from a 1988 flyer for the Pumpkins. To me the swirls say, "I'm fun, but not in control of my own destiny."

Now this one is from Gish. Note the A, the G, claiming uniqueness. The tall and skinny S's mirror an equilizer which says they're trying to maximize impact.

This is from the Siamese Dream era. New to the scene is the trademark heart logo. The font is a little more polished. Not the G, which says "upbeat and they've arrived; peaking."

This font is more antique and traditional, suggesting they've grown into a classic. It's polished.

This one is more of the same. The S is a little less style, features a more common G, and the P and V are still a little stylized. They're in transition again.

In their final stage, they become more of a fairy tale, with beautifully scripted letters that suggest, "if you miss this, it will be history and you'll have missed out. "

Point is, I'm left wondering if I can change. And what honesty my handwriting reveals in spite of myself.

Just a thought.

Back and At It

We've returned from Tampa with new ideas, but nothing concrete. The doctor wants to review the bone marrow biopsy slides before offering the final suggestion to our doctor here. The trip was good, Alison slept virtually the entire car-rides. We stayed in the Hilton-Garden Inn, which was NOT as nice as I thought it'd be (there was hair on the sheets so we moved rooms) and ate carry-out Olive Garden, which WAS as nice as I thought it'd be.

So tonight we continued working on our christmas cards. Every year Alison and I hand-make our cards. I am good at execution and she's really good at the ideas.

For those friends we don't have addresses for, I'd like to offer you some christmas cheer by shamelessly stealing and personalizing something my sisters found first. (in the spirit of christmas of course) Click Here!

Alison and I are unable to express the extent of our gratitude for the support we've received. Prayers, thoughts, and kind words have been an enormous help. So thanks.

And Merry Christmas!

Ever had your mojo stolen?

I did last night. It was my 4th trip to Walgreen's yesterday, and apparently I 'cut' in line. Thinking back on it, the couple must have asked for a news paper, told they were over somewhere, and came back, because I saw them up there when I was approaching, but when I looked up they were gone. So naturally, I went to the register.

The guy didn't say anything. It was his 6'2 stringy girlfriend that screeched at me. "Excuse me, he was here first!"

"Oh, okay, I thought you were done."

"Well he definitely was not!"

She had it. She had my peace-of-mind at that point. I wanted to scream at her. 'I'm sorry, MA'AM! (and turn to the guy all relaxed and say) And Dude, why don't you speak for yourself next time? Or is she hired on as your exclusive bitcher'

But I didn't stay mad about that for long. Afterwards, I was mad that I was mad. Then I was instantly ready for bed.

Then Alison came in the room, and in her most adorable voice she could put on, she said, "Do you want to open a present early, hunny? You can ick one if you want. I think it'll make you feel better."

How sweet is that. I opened a package with my most-anticipated sweatshirt, and re-recognized my wife's care and love. She made me feel so much better.

People can make us feel like they do at any time. That lady took her own bad emotions and threw them at me. I need to be more of a zen master like my mom. But for now, Alison and I are a pretty good team.

Linking Fish

One thing Alison will affirm about my mind is that it is always making links.
Analogies may be a better word. But links, like the Internet.
I'm always relating one thing to another.
I went to private school for my entire education (minus High school) and of those all but one was christian (Tulane is not). What that means, other than my parents wanted me raised in that environment, is that I have an arsenal of stories and parables that roam around my brain.
So naturally I link my life to stories there-within.
Here are a few of the stories I've linked to Alison's health issues and our most pressing life-situation:

The story of Job.
The story of 40 years of desert-travel for the Israelites.

Jesus healing the Lepers
Jesus' 'Faith of a mustard seed' speech.

But the one I've linked most often is not one you'd think it'd be. It's the story of Jonah. I don't think we're inside a big fish right now, but I'd imagine that'd be dramatic and stressful too. I bet he woke up in there, lit a match, and wished it was a dream. But I think the reason I keep thinking about it is because of Jonah's lesson. To change maybe. To follow instructions.

Messages in the bible are obvious, but when you play life at full speed sometimes the lessons we're supposed to be reading are as subtle as the changes in the weather, so I'm standing in the yard with my barometer-helmet on, and I'm ready for the needle to point me in a new direction.

Tangible & Real

Sometimes words can be fluffy. They don't add much. Some other times they can be hurtful and thoughtless. But today one sentence was like going home. It was comforting. The support for Alison and I has been overwhelming. Overwhelming has been the word that I've used most often to describe it, but it doesn't really capture the picture. See, I am a word-smith, and I knew it wasn't adequate.

So today when I was walking back from the mail box, I stopped after reading this:

Nothing said it like that. I got tears in my eyes. I couldn't help it. They were the right words. Thank you, Alan and Leslee (whom I've never actually met). Your words have helped me.

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You know, I feel like my posts lately have me becoming a preacher. And that's okay, but I didn't want to alienate anyone not sharing the same views of religion, but sharing the concepts of love and support and friendship. But I have to admit my predisposition to talk with God and think about where I'm at and what he's doing with me. So after the above, I thought about God. That internal dialogue clicked over and the conversation went like this:

"I know you say you don't test us more than we can handle, and now I realize that's true. Well, I 'know' it's true, but I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, but really I guess I wasn't. People help SO much. Is that the lesson I am supposed to get from this? Or is it that I can take more? Can I take more? I hope not. I know Alison's got to be verging on a full-tank of 'it.' She really didn't want to go to chemo today. She started thinking about it last night. But, I guess I can. If that's what the plan is. But thanks, God, thanks for helping us through this."

Party Time

Alison has done so good these last two weeks. She's feeling a lot better lately. We do another chemo round tomorrow, which means ordinarily she'd be hurting pretty bad about now, but she's not. A good sign? I don't think it could be bad.

We had a wonderful weekend with her sorority sisters too, and even attended a christmas party on Saturday night. My friends hadn't seen her out in forever, so when we unexpectedly showed, the room fell silent and everyone stared. It was as if Santa Claus came in the room. The real Santa. Hilarious. Lastly, to offset the estrogen of four girls this weekend, I finished sawing and chopping the tree in the back. Somehow running a chainsaw and swinging an axe makes me happy. And my woodpile is re-stocked. ;)

The Greatest Gift

Okay, well other than God's son on earth. Wanna know what it was?... A NEW CAR!

Okay, not new. But it sounds better after Colin fixed my back speakers. I swear it even looks different. Meaner. Newer.

For Christmas, he and my sister decided to take away the biggest nagging thing on my to-do list. The surest one for NOT getting done. I was officially introduced to CRUTCHFIELD, which impressed me very much. They send specific instructions and wiring adapters based on the Make and Model of your vehicle.

I felt like P pimped my ride. I was all like, "Duuuude!!!! Whew! Yeah!!!!" Yeah, imagine it, Lope with corn-rows like Xhibit.

This completely reassures me on two of my theories. One - that Penny still feels guilty for pushing me off the end of the dock and under the ice when we were kids. And Two - that if you show something a little love, you actually love it more.

View Two

I am still really excited about this lost street sign. It goes in line with one of my most anticipated, but never used, date ideas. The idea is to go downtown, the historic district, the zoo, or some place like that, each armed with a camera and two (+) hours to adventure around, looking for beautiful pictures to shoot. Then when the date is over, they re-convene to compare over dinner. Maybe it'd be best as a double-date. Well, anyways, here's my picture for today.

In the news, Friday, 15 December, is the official appt. time with Dr. Strosberg at H. Lee Moffit in Tampa. ...and... Alison is feeling okay. Pain in her skull and shoulders, not her legs. Which makes her walk okay, but not be able to pull her own covers up, or take off a sweat-shirt. But all in all she's cheery, and we've fostered some christmas spirit with tunes and 'The Polar Express' lastnight.

A New Series

News: We're arranging for a Tampa visit. There was much pain and frustration on my part yesterday with the insurance company, but it's ironing out. Alison gave me perspective by saying, "When you're worried, it makes me worried," in her quiet-girl voice. I wanted to take back the last half-hour's emotions on the spot.

Story: Having Vince around was good for me. Not only because he got me exercising and was fun to ride around with, but because our walks got me out into the world. One morning, before Thanksgiving, we were walking as the sun broke through the trees. I don't know if any of you guys do this, but whenever there is forest around, I'm looking into them. The trees make all kinds of lines with leaves adding color and texture, and it's pleasing. That's why I noticed something about ten feet in that didn't belong. It was an old street sign. One that used to be in-service, but time forgot about. The woods grew out and took it in. I wished I had the camera that morning, and each morning since. But I keep leaving it at home.

Today I took the camera and went searching for it again.

Things that are forgotten can be beautiful in many angles and at varying details, but you only get to see one picture. Today that is.

It's amazing how the world opens up, even in your backyard, if you ask it to.

New Found

Alison and I went through and organized the attic and guest-closet today. It was raining all day, and it sounded like a good thing to do. We found this too (from '03):