Resolution

I'm finding it difficult to be resolute with plans in 2009, let alone have enough perspective to force some change within me by making 'resolutions.'

I have chosen one though: I'm giving up beer. And Regular Coke. And the reason is silly and materialistic, etc. I'm aging, and in order to stay in shape I need to control my diet. Right now I'm in really good shape everywhere but around my torso, where I am holding onto some beer and coke.

In the back of my mind I feel that my beer resolution is like rearranging chairs on the Titanic. Isn't there better things to do? Like steer the ship?

What are your resolutions?

Looking Back, Looking Forward

December 12Th, 2003.

I left Washington D.C. at 9:30AM with 12 CD's in the changer, all my clothes in the trunk, and a ring in the center console. My knees shook for the entire 12-hour drive to northern Indiana. The streets in town were dark and wet from a recent snow, and I pulled into the alley next to the house and walked to the door with the big ring box showing in my jeans-pocket. Ali was excited to see me; it had been since before Thanksgiving since we'd been together.

The last time we met, we rented a cabin in beautiful Moraine State Park outside Butler, Pennsylvania. I had already decided to make her my wife. I'd called her father on the return to D.C. When I asked if I for permission to marry his little girl, he said, "You just gotta answer one question Tom, do you like her?"

I told him I loved her. He said, "That's not what I asked. Do you like her?"

I said, "Well yeah, I like her. Of Course I do."

Ol' Dave said, "Well hell, then, yeah you can marry her!"

Great relationship advice from 'Captain Morgan.'

But this story is about proposing, not about asking permission. As I brushed off the cold in her mom's living room, December 12Th, I asked if we could do Christmas right then and there. Ali laughed, knowing that I can't keep surprises long. They kill me.

After exchanging gifts, I knelt down and asked her is she'd make me the happiest man alive, and be my wife forever. It probably came out rattly, meek, like a giant mouse, because I was as nervous as I'd been in my entire life. Not because I didn't know that she'd say yes, but because 'that was it.' The Step. The Promise. The Oath.

We talked about a date afterwards, and both coming from meager beginnings and barely pennies in our pockets, we decided to wed at the Justice of the Peace. We chose to use what money we did have towards starting our household, and buying a house at our first duty station. What exciting times!

So then we were wed, 5 years ago today. December 24Th, 2003. My mom was supposed to be the only one there as a witness, because we had plans to do another ceremony when the weather was nicer. But my little sister was a stow-away, and showed at the court-house against my wishes. Good thing too, because we needed two witnesses. :)

So here I am, 5 years later, reflecting back on what has been one wild ride, both fulfilling and heart-breaking. But I am also looking forward. Because whatever I am still here for, I'm going to be ready for it. I'm a better man for having loved Alison. I won't even try to guess what lies ahead. But I'm choosing to be optimistic.

That Which Goes Unwritten

Of all the things that we've written and said, so much more is being communicated with our eyes. For all of our attempts to control what we convey with our words, and for our struggle to be aware of our body language, our eyes simply betray us.

You cannot hide what you're feeling with them. They heat like fire when we're trying to hold back our anger. They reveal us when we're trying to conceal our pain. They have a shine to their own when a memory comes trailing in. And they convey love when your words fall short.

All we need is listen to them. Listen to our own, and hear what others' are saying to us...

The Path Ahead/Report Card

I haven't written much lately, but it's not because I haven't been thinking about it. I have thought of it a lot. I've been trying to find a way to catch the good ol' blog up with where I am. Finding a way to write my way out from under the remarkable tragedy that was August, and find a new direction to a bunch of words that have been about fighting an illness, harnessing love, and staying true. It can still be about the latter two. Harnessing the love that is in each of us, staying true to what is happening, what has happened, and the direction I want to push towards in the coming months and years.

So I guess what I'll do now is give you a report card of where I am.

In terms of my grieving process, I can happily report that I've come miles since August, miles since September. And I am elated to report that my progress has been paralleled by the changing of the seasons. Ice has not come over my heart, though it has my house, my deck and plants. I have found a way to keep the entire gamut of emotions. I feel what you'd think I'd feel, namely sadness. But I've found the other ones too. Excitement, happiness and love. I've rekindled friendships, made new ones, and found a way to continue to live with the same passion that I knew before Ali passed away and even before she was sick at all.

That doesn't mean to say I've forgotten. Certain things are crystallized into my mind and are still causing pain. But mostly that which has been crystallized are the lessons I've learned from the experience. I know I am a better person.

I have had some difficulties relating to family in recent weeks and months. I think it's exacerbated by each of our grieving processes. Everyone is going through it, and each is at a different spot. It takes time to find out where they're at. And even more to show where I am. I've been upset by their seeming ease with which they've taken back up everyday living. I've been upset at their excitement for what I find mundane. But I've also felt some of the same towards me, with others who are wondering how I can enjoy anything at all. Grieving is a personal process, and I feel like it may be like a Sine Curve, it never quite ends, but I'm hoping it lessens towards the limit.

So that's kind of where I am. Finding new joys. Rethinking the story, combing for the lessons I need to take with me.

In the coming weeks, I'll write less about my state of things, and more about what's happening, and my thoughts into other things. But it doesn't mean that I'm not in a process...I'm just taking a new direction. Tiring of writing about it.

Not Posting

I flew to sunny San Diego Sunday morning. Time to do a lot of thinking. I found myself sitting outside my room, gazing at the sailboats and palm trees, just lost in my own mind. Then I realized I what I was looking at.

Retrieving one's self from one's thoughts can be tricky.

New To Me:Self-Treat

I drove my Grandma to church Thanksgiving morning. She has a very nice Cadillac, and it made me remember my two previous 'Lac's. My 1986 Coupe De'Ville and my 2001 STS. Both of which I am digging to find photos of...

Well, let's just say the drive 'wet my whistle' for it, so I researched my dream car. Funny dream I know, but this car is perfect. It's long and lean, and the lines are perfect. It's smooth and powerful, and handles well. The seats hug you.

The unfortunate thing about the 'Eldorado' is that they stopped making them in 2002. So when I found this one with 52k miles on it, I went to see it. And then I made an offer, and then I drove it home.

This version is the ETC, Eldorado Touring Coupe. The way you can tell the difference between these and the normal version is that there is no chrome; the exterior is largely monochromatic. But it also has 300hp vice 275.

I know it's shameful, but I haven't been this happy in a while.