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Our Oncologist here in Beaufort talked to a doctor at H. Lee Moffit Cancer Center in Tampa, FL. The doctor there thought he might have something to add, and would like to see Alison for an appt. He was supposed to call today. But, looks like I'll have to run him down tomorrow.
I also found a Yahoo group for Carcinoids. It's been really helpful. It led me to a new Carcinoid treatment center in New Orleans. It opened on the 27th of November and is under LSU. I'm going to call them tomorrow.
I HOPE we're headed towards good news. It's been all bad lately. The news has been bad, not the support. Your prayers, thoughts, and help with 'A Dream for Alison' have been overwhelming. It's amazing!
Oh, and one last story. The point of this story will be to illustrate chance and coincidence. Alison was feeling particularly good on Wednesday morning, so we took Vince for a short walk. We chose to walk left from the driveway, completely at random, and somewhat because I went right last time. Well, about 100 yards into the walk, Alison told me that she wasn't up to going all the way around the neighborhood. In response, I told her we could walk to the cul-de-sac on the left and back. As soon as we turned around, we noticed a lady walking to her mail box. But, as soon as I thought that, she'd walked past it and up to us. Vincy-boy really had to go, so I shortened his leash to keep him from her yard, but that's a side point. She'd seen us at the cancer center. Alison talked with her for a long time. It was amazing to hear her story. I won't divulge any of it here though, save to say that I felt as if we were predestined to walk that way AT that moment to meet her. It opened my eyes a little. She was such a beautiful mother. A beautiful mother facing the same trials as Alison.
The one thing that struck me was my wish that she's finding support as we are. That her family and friends are rallying behind her. Wow, we are so fortunate. At that moment, I decided that if we don't come to need 'A Dream for Alison' for emergency/medical expenses, my vote will be for finding a worthy charity. I'll try to keep the support alive. There are so many out there that need it.
Cancer is so terrible.
Friends are so wonderful.

A History

I was checking to make sure that Sara got the link to work, when I was struck by her words and her sincerity. She talked about how Alison's story has touched her. So she got me thinking about the virtual timeline that our blogs lay out. It was really difficult to see the pictures and words from before Alison was diagnosed with cancer. It was hard because of the signs. Damn! Why couldn't I have seen this coming? Because cancer was not even a possibility in my mind. I know a lot more about sports injuries, and that's kind of what I thought was ailing Alison.
But going back was also very fun because it held so many fun and loving memories. And I hope that when I look back in another two years, I'll feel like we continued to make fun and loving memories, in spite of the crisis in Alison's health.
So I thought what better way to introduce Alison and me to new visitors, than to put a little link section on the right side. Check it out >>>>>

A Dream for Alison

Psalm 23 may be the most popular verse in the Bible. But it's for a reason.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Note that it doesn't say He'll take you out of the valley. He walks WITH you through it. Right now Alison's deep in that valley. Duke's plan of low-dose radiation therapy has fallen through. Protocol disapproved. She needs blood again. 2 weeks ahead of schedule this time, approximately twice as fast as last time. I've contacted our social worker and doctor, and will be trying see Neuroendocrine specialists at either Moffit or Mayo. The time is now.

I would also like to point out the part reading 'I shall not want.' I interepret that as 'I shall not be left wanting.' Alison received some good news on Thanksgiving too. Her friends from AGD, and specifically her friend Katy, set up a contribution account called 'A Dream for Alison.' They created it to provide Alison with the means to meet any medical expenses that arise, and when that's through, so that she can take a much needed vacation! Talk about timeliness. It's SO scary right now. It is quite a comfort to realize that God AND good friends are there beside you. So until Alison is able to say this for herself, I'd like to say thanks Katy. And thanks AGD girls.

Cat Naps - Doggy Dreams

This weekend has been nothing but R and R. I'm watching Vince for P & C, or rather he's been watching me - following me around whereever I go. Habitat for Humanity, Lowes, the local Hardware store, the Landfill, the back yard, the garage, the shed....

Last night we watched Notre Dame get stomped by USC together. I left to check on Alison (who's been really sick since Turkeyday) and when I came back, I noted that he'd taken over the couch.

He must have been worn out from our runs around the neighborhood, which he's interpreted as his private squirrel hunting expeditions.

P warned me not to yell at him (I have to yell at one of my cats because it's the only way to get her attention), so I haven't. Nope. Instead, I'm spoiling him rotten. Running through the forest, encouraging mad-barking at squirrels as we full-out sprint at them. He likes to chase reflection-lights too, so I've obliged that part of our play-time.

He'd be spoiled rotten by now except Lily has him walking the line. She's very upfront about her territory. Vince shutters and backs away when she's hissing at him. It's heart breaking, really...

New Life: Part Two

Here are the end results of my dresser project. I think it turned out pretty decent.

Saying Grace

Yesterday we hosted family and friends, and there was so much food I couldn't even try it all! Thanksgivings in my house always start with carving the turkey, which my Grandpa always used to do. Believe it or not, yesterday was my first time operating on the turkey. I guess to me it was like coming of age. Then there was saying grace. Now, I hadn't mentally prepared for cutting perfect slices of white meat, but I had thought a lot about what the prayer should include.

My prayers lately though have been asking for wisdom and grace. They're that way because I know I shouldn't beg for Alison's return to health. That's already in God's plan. It's His will.
I feel like a toddler, getting put in the bathtub by God.
"Daddy, Daddy, it's too hot! I'm burning! Take me out! I hate it!"
I hate seeing the pain Alison is in. I want desperately to see her spared. But my heart knows this is a lesson for both of us. He won't spare us until we're clean.

My prayers should be for trust.

My prayer's theme yesterday was thankfulness.
There's nothing like adversity to make us realize how blessed we are.
So this Thanksgiving I felt like a king. My treasure is my family and my many caring friends. It's the people that have supported Alison through her trials. People I honestly didn't know were there.

So saying the prayer was good for me. Then eating the food was devastating. I felt like I swallowed one of those pill-toys that blows up into a sponge upon contact with water. All of a sudden a red-sponge Brachiosaurus was trying to blow out my sides. After awhile that dude stopped trying though, and I felt a tired comfort.

A Little Girl Dancing

Today was all rain.
Alison dragged me to a matinee of "Happy Feet." About half way through she pointed out a little girl in the isle in front of us, covering her ears to the 'scary' part. The little girl had blonde hair, held back with a barret. She had all pink clothing.
A little later she pointed out two small feet sticking straight up in the air; she was small enough to lay straight down on the seat. It was hilarious because as soon as Alison got my attention, the little girl howled, "Woah!" to a part in the action. It was as if the part had blown her head over feet in her seat.
At the end of the movie, the penguins tap dance. One of them yells, "We need to Dance! Dance now!" And to our amusement, the little girl danced twirls in the isle, utterly taken by the drama.

I could see Alison's great amusement in her childlike behavior. It was so cute.

I thought to myself that Alison would do so well with a daughter. She wants four! It's such a far away place from where we stand now. And I was saddened to think about it. But I love children. I admire their simplicity and their lack of inhibitions. And I look forward to having our own. Somehow I know we'll have girls, and I know they'll look exactly like Alison. Well... I'll pray for that.
It was a lot of fun today. I am glad she made me go.

A Case Unlike Any Other

Today we received bad news from the doctor. Alison's cancer is spreading. The lesions in her liver that were present in the last scan are bigger. There are more of them now to boot. The main tumor is still the same. Her needing blood so badly a week ago indicates that her bones are following suit. I never knew that cancer could mutate and adapt to chemotherapy. He said it's more likely to adapt when there are more cancer cells to be afforded the time to change.

So what now... We're going to follow up with Dr. Morse at Duke, to see if his proposed regime has passed protocol. We're going to continue to press with chemotherapy and biological therapy. We're doubling her Sandostatin injection. But it's time to see what options are out there and go for them. The doctor was right today when he said Alison is better now than she was in July. She is. That's why it's important to act now.

He also said that the ground on which we tread will be new, because her case is unique, unlike any other. This cancer is supposed to be slow-growing. Not many people have Neuroendocrine tumors at all, so there is less knowledge about what's effective out there. ... We may change the frequency of chemo, going to weekly. We may even change the drugs. If we do, or if we raise the dosage of the drug we haven't raised yet, it'll hurt Alison more. Her hair will go. I guess her hair to me has been like a battle flag. It's still there and pretty, saying to me that everything will be okay. But battles aren't pretty, and I guess it's better to carry a gun than a flag.

So after the news we went for some Mozzarella sticks and Cherry Cokes from Sonic, and drove to the boat landing. We sat and ate, watched the water, and chatted. I watched the water pass under the dock, noticing the light and shadow illuminating the water underneath a green emerald. It reminded me of Lake George as a kid, laying on the dock with my best friends, looking through the planks at the water underneath. I used to imagine my life as a fish, perusing through the seaweed. I mentioned to Alison that I'd like to stay there a lot longer, and not go home. Home represented reality, where phone calls bearing bad news would go out. I liked the sun and the water, and pretending that everything was right in the world.

She looked great today, sitting next to me with her red sweatshirt and jeans, her face full of color and her hair reflecting the sun. My revelation for the day was that we can find happiness in such simplicity, even in the worst of times.

So tomorrow I'll get to work on the options, and as always, I'll keep you posted.

New Life

My current project is this antique dresser. I balked on buying it last week at 'Habitat for Humanity' for 50$. But I came back this week and it was 30$. So I've adopted it. It was hating life and needing new shoes.

New handles were 18$ from Lowes.com.

One 1x6 Aspen board, cut and glued and shaped into a new leg was 8$

And new foam rollers so the paint goes on nicely were 3$.

A little paint, some fixes to broken drawers, and a lot of sanding? Sweat equity.

So it's about 60 dollars for what WILL be a nice nice dresser, with wood features that you just don't find today. Not for under 500.

Magic

Did you know that there is REAL magic in the world? What magic? Time.

Time, it seems, has the ability to vanish and reappear. It convinces the audience of its shortness and moments later, its length.
Time eludes us. It gives us all types of illusions.
Tonight I saw a young man on a date, wearing a letter-jacket. The letter-jacket had a big 07 on the sleeve. When I realized he was a senior this year, I was floored.
Time gave the illusion that I've grown up in an instant.
All of a sudden I am a decade out of that dudes shoes.
I am not the one on dates sporting a big 'G.'

But moments after time's disappearing, it reappeared and convinced me I couldn't have squeezed one more wink into the last ten years.
The hours have been jammed-packed with life.
I've been the most miserable I've ever been. For Pete's sake, I've had to spoon with grown dudes for body heat!
I've been the most happy too. Those times are spent spooning with someone wearing a ring I bought her.
But 'Senior' seems only an instant ago...
So what seems impossible is possible. It happened.

Time is magic.

Passing Time

This week has been relaxing. Alison hasn't felt good, so we've been laying around. But it's more a function of where we've been laying that's been cool. My family rented a cabin on Hunting Island; right next to the lighthouse and adjacent to the beach. I wish Alison would have felt better, but I think watching movies, and sitting at the beach was good for her. I could tell that she liked playing cards too, because she kept yelping "UNO" before me, making me draw 4. Vicious is the first word that comes to mind.

The concept I noticed all around me this week was recycling/renewal. The first and most obvious reason is erosion. The beach is disappearing. The storms this week pretty much annihilated the sand that was replenished this year. See, Hunting Island is THE barrier island for Beaufort. It absorbs most of the weather, the tides, and the wind. It's been disappearing since before Carolina was a state. Now the rate is 15 feet per year. When we visited the lighthouse, I read that the lost sand is depositing itself 1 mile off-shore. It will create a new Island. They've had to move the lighthouse three times. The last time, in 1885, it was moved more than a mile inland to the middle of the island. Today a bad storm would put water on its foundation. They claim it's 400 ft from sea still. I think it's closer.

There's renewal in the season changing. It's just only beginning Autumn here. Driving with Alison all week, and specifically coming home from the beach after dark and in the rain, I noticed leaves in the road, wet and being blown around. In my mind I see one blowing off the side and up against the forest floor, only to decay and become soil by spring.

Finally, I noticed renewal in all of us. I feel eroded and in transition. But I think this week taught me to fight it less. To enjoy being here, surrounded by a world re-creating itself. Our lives will change and our circumstances as well. It's natural, isn't it? So I hope to enjoy the process.

Growing a Bigger Heart

Everyone has a story like a board full of pits and cracks. It's only that we're too far away to discern one board from another.

My family's adversity lately has made me grow a bigger heart. I realize more now than before, that everyone is in a struggle. When I walk the isles of a supermarket, I see different people in different ways. I understand that most of us there have financial stresses, family illnesses or -God forbid - deaths, relationship problems, etc. Each person has his/her own successes and failures, burdens and constraints. It's even given me more patience with other drivers.

I am not naive enough to give just anyone the benefit of the doubt on being a good person. Far from it. Desperation can cause any of us to act out against each other. Greed can do the same to the weak of heart. Not everyone shares my values. Maybe they don't share yours either. But what I realize now is that adversity and pain have no discretion. They hit us all. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am slower to judge, on the basis of mercy.

This afternoon I was walking along the sidewalk on the way to the gym. I could hear the sounds of children at recess and feel the crisp autumn air. I noticed the sun was brighter because the leaves of the trees were yellow and spread the light like lamp shades. I noticed another sound too; soft scratching of leaves being blown across the sidewalk. I thought, 'how cool is this exact moment?' Then I turned the corner and saw the wind blowing a few happy leaves in a circle, like kids on a merry-go-round. It was nice to stand there and breathe.

So now when I pray, I'll pray for grace. I'll not pray to be spared from pain, but to handle it well. I'll pray for an appreciative eye. We're all out of bullets anyways, aren't we? I surrender. I surrender the outcome in order to enjoy the game. I'll probably have to read this to remember not to compare scores in a few weeks...

John Kerry Banner

A good friend email'd this picture to me. I just can't help but put it on here, what with all the hype about Kerry's comments.