My Trip and a Memorable Phrase

I'm back from Fort Worth, Texas. The hotel was a little more classy than I'm comfortable with. The conference was successful. I got my bit out there. So much so that I was asked to leave actually (asked to leave so the big people could battle out the lines without me running back to my bosses and taddling on all the wanking).

So I took my day off and walked. I walked around downtown at 9 AM, looking for something to do. Then I found the "welcome to Ft. Worth center." The lady there was really nice. She gave me a map and sent me on my way to the bus stop. I was going to the Modern Art Museum. Problem was she failed to mention which bus to get on. So I didn't. About three miles west of town, the first correct bus blew by me. By the next bus stop, I was almost there, sweating and enjoying the exercise. By the next bus stop, I was surprised that I wasn't close yet, and looked like a big shirtless walking redneck. Finally I found the museum, re-shirted, and grabbed an ice-cream cone to cool off. The building was awesome. It was modern, designed by a japanese man. But it was the main exhibit that I was really lucky to see. If you ever are alone in a city, tours are a great thing. I learned a lot more than I would have.
Mr. Mueck started as a puppeteer, and evolved into a hyper-realistic sculptor. The man you see is about 7ft tall sitting down. The ladies above are about 2 ft tall; their hair is made of fishing line, each strand inserted by needle into their silicone scalps.
Finally, the best part of my trip was reading one line of my book, which has stuck with me, and out of context when I relate it to you, it won't be as enthralling or understandable. Palahniuk wrote of twilight that it was 'the time when all cats are grey.' It's simple and visual. I know it's not even original, but sometimes, when circumstances align, ordinary words go under every green light on the road to get to you, and hit you at full speed.

Reactive Vs. Proactive Changes

You may laugh at this, but for a long time now I haven't believed in personality.

I've been thinking this way and talking about it for years. I mean, what is a personality?

Personality: (noun)

-The quality or condition of being a person.
-The totality of qualities and traits, as of character or behavior, that are peculiar to a specific person.
-The pattern of collective character, behavioral, temperamental, emotional, and mental traits of a person: Though their personalities differed, they got along as friends.
-Distinctive qualities of a person, especially those distinguishing personal characteristics that make one socially appealing.

Okay, that's the dictionary definition: write the first two off. Those are conceptions based on culture. Because our culture believes a person is owned by his/her traits, character, behavior and temperament.

I'd argue that believing "that's just how he/she is, that's just his or her personality" is a load of malarky.

Here's how I get to my conclusion:

If you have a traumatic experience, would your personality change? Would you behave differently? Lets look at some examples: do veterans of war sometimes come back and act differently? Could a person involved in a plane wreck be fearful of riding without being in control after that accident? Could a person who's embarrassed in front of a large crowd be a little more timid thereafter?

I'd call that reactive behavioral change. And if we need to: reactive personality change.

If you can reactively change it, you can proactively change it. You ultimately have control of who you are, over your behavior, over your disposition, over your attitude.... So if you assume control of all of these, you may choose to act or even feel differently under a set of circumstances. At that point, you no longer exhibit personality traits. You proactively disassemble your personality.

Okay, so if you like the way you behave and feel at all times, then you can put'r back on cruise control and embrace the term personality. Cruise control is nice. It's easy and great on long trips. But how long is this trip? Can you really afford to relinquish control?

Point is, if you want to change then change. Change small things at first, like brushing your teeth with your other hand. Then try writing a single letter of your alphabet in your handwriting in a different manner. Do these consistently to change. Then change the way you tie your shoes. Which shoe you put on first. Eventually, you'll be able to take on whatever part of your identity preconceptions you wish. You'll change your personality. Or just obliterate it.

Thoughts in Moleskine

Last night Alison and I drove to Barnes & Noble. We always forget just how far it feels to drive. But I re-understand why we normally peruse the local bookshops instead. But we drudged there because I had a specific book in mind that I wanted to read - the last novel I haven't read by one of my favorite authors.
We walked in and went straight to the first round table of new books. What a marketing strategy. Find yourself doing this next time: you head to the clearance rack, find nothing, then look to the 'sale' rack, find a suitable-but-wouldn't-buy-at-this-juncture-in-time, and your progress leads you to the thing that you cannot pass up, straightaway in the you'll-pay-for-this-in-blood rack. The same's true for book stores:
They command your attention when you arrive with a full-price-round table with new books. From there you can choose the clearance shelves, or see what else is new in the more expensive side of the store. (You know, the side with the coffee shop?) They make that clearance side look like the desert. You really have to be thrifty to venture that way. So, you choose the expensive side with the magazines, the never-ending latte's and cookies, nestle in with a book, which you find you cannot leave without, and then on your way to pay, you cross over into the desert-side of clearance, and find two more books that look interesting and are too cheap to pass on while you're heading to the register.
I digress.
The first round table had the author previously mentioned's new book. One I hadn't seen. So I was destined to remain in bed today, reading my full-price hardcover new book: Rant.

Never type the title to a post before you write the text. Otherwise you'll have a paragraph at the bottom that makes a desperate attempt to come 180 back to make it make sense:
While in the desert, I eyed the notebooks. They had a nice display of my favorite moleskine journals, complete with little straps sewn in to keep it closed. I have two at home. I meant them to contain my thoughts, but then evolved into having this blog contain them. And from there I evolved into not putting my thoughts into this blog at all, just what's going on lately. And for that I am at expense to myself, and need to reanalyze why I have this at all. What's my intent?
So I may delete this blog entirely. Look for a blogspot address involving moleskine if this address suddenly renders the "Page not found" death page.

Ali's new Kayak

I bought a kayak today without ever seeing it. Then when I saw it I knew I had that 'diamond in the rough.' It's got all the bells and whistles. It's got a bilge pump, adjustable feet, padded seat, a skirt for white-watering, a paddle, a storage cover, and an inflatable to fill the hull so less water gets in if you flip it.It's longer than the other ones, and built for speed. I bought it for Ali because all I heard was it floats and it's bright pink.

We'll see how it turns out! I'm going to go test it out now...

The Time We're Given

My Marines and I are bidding farewell to one of our own next week, and Friday we talked about a farewell gift. In my mind I noted the opportunity to draw the picture that they plan on framing and mounting with our unit's patch. I didn't say anything because it's daunting to draw on demand, especially if you're not an artist...
But then this morning I just let go of the expectations, and drew. And in an hour I had this:
I think he'll like it. I feel relaxed after having completed it, and need to remind myself to keep doing art. The last thing I did artistically was months ago.
The lesson I learned was that our preconceptions sometimes limit what we do with our time. They really don't need to. Right now I can stand up. I can walk out. I can begin running down the street.

If I chose to.

A Taste of Adversity

I'd been diligent at work lately. It feels good too, but today I met some adversity. An area I'm responsible for was inspected and received poor marks. It was a bit of a scam because I know a lot of young men and women put their heart into doing well. Either way I felt disappointment.
And then the adversity kept rolling. I let it saturate.
When the buzzer finally sounded and I hung my hard hat and grabbed my lunch pale, I met Alison for a movie downtown.
Then she told me that she needs blood tomorrow. That's about two weeks early. And then I realized that I'd been 'playing', and that the real adversity lives in our home.
And that I'd been ignoring it.
My late coach used to tell me that adversity molds character. I think he was right. Because as soon as I realized my true situation, I felt better. I felt balanced.
Alison's still feeling good. And now that I think about it, her blood pattern shifts, from 4 weeks to 5 weeks, but every now and then she'll need it quickly.
It only means she's being taken care of. We all are.
Am I the zen master? Nope. I'm not even the prize pupil...
but I am here to learn.

Please welcome...my favorite band...

My favorite band (blog title inspiration even) is back after seven years. Tonight they are playing in Germany. And of course, the Pumpkins are the most fan-friendly band in the world, openly encouraging anyone in attendance to record and publish to the world via any means available.

Their last concert, at Rock am Ring, is available for download here.

They're playing 9 consecutive shows at Ashville, NC at the end of June through July 4th, but I am heartbroken to say that by the time I found out about it, all 9 shows were sold out.

Atleast I'll have Zeitgeist (originally a German expression that means "the spirit of the age", literally translated as "time ghost". )when it is released on July 7th.

I am anxious for the band over their new material. It sounds heavier than my ideal tracks. It's almost as if you Hemingway fans out there were witness to his rising and publishing a new book. Would it fit in now???

Fortunate

While home, Alison inherited a car from Colin's mom. Just something to get her to and from the doctor's office now that she can drive again, at least that's what I thought. As it turns out, the car is really really nice, and Alison and I are feeling so grateful. Colin's mom deserves 'person-of-the-year' nominations, and definitely deserves our thanks.

Since we've been home, I've noticed how often people do things for others without expecting anything in return. I guess I've never thought about the small acts of giving before now. Holding a door for someone is probably the most unappreciated act of kindness there is. Letting a fellow driver in while merging is another. Lately though, I've even noticed giving a kind "how are you?" or at least walking around returning smiles is a gift.

We all receive.

Alison and I feel so fortunate, for the car, and for all the support in the past year. It's been an honor to have such friends, and humbling to receive so much. We are blessed.