So this is the New Year...

Everyone spends atleast 5 minutes thinking about resolutions. I have some desired changes I'd like to make, but I know I cannot say I am ready to resolve for change. Maybe I need to spend another 5.
Instead of resolutions, I think I am content to ponder over my blessings this year. I am so glad to have Ali. We've been spending a lot of time together, and though I can't hug on her like I used to, I have that same content feeling whenever she smiles. It's nice to be lazy and to enjoy our moments.

Isn't she cute? If you compare this to her profile picture, you'll realize she's pretty much unchanged!
I wish everyone the best 2007 you'll ever have. ;) Remember to breathe.

Fire

I can't write to save my life right now. But I'll say that we now use our fireplace. I'd convinced myself that it needed cleaning prior to use, and never wanted to clean it. But two years later (Tuesday) I looked up the chimney with a flashlight. It'd probably been used three times ever.

Thanks mom, for the fireplace screen I bought with your gift-card.

Home from the Holidays

We're back from our trip North to see family. It was very nice to see everyone and spend time there. Alison started feeling poorly on the way, and she was in the hurt-locker by the time we arrived. But being with her Momma was really good for her spirits. She was hurting so bad that we called the doctor. He doubled her dose of oxycontin, and it seemed to do the trick... until we realized she would run out in 24 hrs!

So then we went to the Emergency Room, which was like a highschool reunion for us. Alison knew a LOT of people there. Anyways, with business taken care of, we were ready for the home-bound trip. Of course, this is the abridged version of the trip, because here's the real news:

We've switched to a new form of chemotherapy. This new therapy is a three-day treatment that goes every three weeks. (The last one was every two) The drugs now being implemented are Carboplatin and VP-16. It was a little more daunting to change than I thought it'd be. Questions arose in me while the doctor spoke, like "Will this give her relief like the last regime?" and "What will the side-effects be?" and more than a few 'what-if's.' The side-effects are a trade: She'll no longer have temperature sensitivity, but she'll lose her hair. (bum trade probably).

So... a friend of Alison's has offered to donate some of her gorgeous blonde waist-length hair to a wig for Alison. A nurse at the center suggested a wig-maker to us. We don't know how fast it'll happen, so we'll have to see. I think the plan will be to head it off at the pass, and as soon as it begins, we'll buzz it.

Hair is not necessary until it becomes a symbol for us. That is, until we give it a meaning. Alison's hair had been a beacon for us, as if as long as we saw it, we'd be safe. We didn't intend it to be, but it has been. So this is scary. But I heard something the other day on a radio-sermon from [I think] Chuck Davis. He relayed an old sea-worthy saying [I have a soft-spot for sea-worthy sayings],

"He Who is Enslaved to the Compass has the Freedom of the Seas."

So as we move away from our beacon, I feel confident we'll still navigate just fine.

Immediate Action Drill

Yesterday we met with Alison's Oncologist to discuss what we learned in Tampa. We know there WILL be a drug change by her next session. Alison asked if we could hold off changing it until after the new year because we were planning on going north. The doctor said no. He thinks we cannot wait to change. Then he made the suggestion that we go now, while Alison's feeling decent, because there's no telling what her symptoms will be under the new drugs.

So we're heading North. Today. Christmas came for Alison and I last night. It was very nice, and very romantic. I'm sure she'll put some pictures on.

So to everyone, happy holidays, and we'll be back on the 26th!

Fonting It

Way back in Kindergarten, I was sitting at a undersized table for me (while I bounced the tabletop with my knees), writing on paper that upset me. It me uneasy because it wasn't white. Back then if paper was recycled, you knew it. It felt as dirty as it looked. It tore easily. And this paper was even worse because the lines were more than an inch in width, and had hash marks running down the middle. The hash marks, as it turned out, were the pages' only saving grace, because I discovered that I could imagine them as roads, and then imagine myself on my BMX riding down the lines and straight off the page.

We were practicing our handwriting. Learning each letter, and how to write it. Aa Bb Cc... We were all there, weren't we? And probably all of us wish now that we'd practiced a little more diligently. Now it's too late, and our handwriting is atrocious. It would take quitting our jobs and working strictly on handwriting, eight hours per day in front of recycled handwriting paper, to cause our rivers of nasty ink to meander towards neatness.

I've been thinking a lot about fonts lately. Maybe children should learn fonts earlier in life. Maybe if they knew that the way you depict each letter actually conveys a secret code to each person who reads it. It's an unmistakable impression that each person takes with them, as a secret decoder from ovaltine. [A Christmas Story reference for the season] That would spark an interest.

That's why I am NOT a school teacher. I would educate my young lads and ladies on album fonts. Ready for my first lesson? Quit reading here, most of you, this is for only someone who is interested. [Is it okay to dissuade your audience like that?]

We're going to analyze the fonts of my favorite-band-of-all-time, the Smashing Pumpkins.

[whom incidentally influenced the title, "Our Lady, Star of the Sea"]

This is from a 1988 flyer for the Pumpkins. To me the swirls say, "I'm fun, but not in control of my own destiny."

Now this one is from Gish. Note the A, the G, claiming uniqueness. The tall and skinny S's mirror an equilizer which says they're trying to maximize impact.

This is from the Siamese Dream era. New to the scene is the trademark heart logo. The font is a little more polished. Not the G, which says "upbeat and they've arrived; peaking."

This font is more antique and traditional, suggesting they've grown into a classic. It's polished.

This one is more of the same. The S is a little less style, features a more common G, and the P and V are still a little stylized. They're in transition again.

In their final stage, they become more of a fairy tale, with beautifully scripted letters that suggest, "if you miss this, it will be history and you'll have missed out. "

Point is, I'm left wondering if I can change. And what honesty my handwriting reveals in spite of myself.

Just a thought.

Back and At It

We've returned from Tampa with new ideas, but nothing concrete. The doctor wants to review the bone marrow biopsy slides before offering the final suggestion to our doctor here. The trip was good, Alison slept virtually the entire car-rides. We stayed in the Hilton-Garden Inn, which was NOT as nice as I thought it'd be (there was hair on the sheets so we moved rooms) and ate carry-out Olive Garden, which WAS as nice as I thought it'd be.

So tonight we continued working on our christmas cards. Every year Alison and I hand-make our cards. I am good at execution and she's really good at the ideas.

For those friends we don't have addresses for, I'd like to offer you some christmas cheer by shamelessly stealing and personalizing something my sisters found first. (in the spirit of christmas of course) Click Here!

Alison and I are unable to express the extent of our gratitude for the support we've received. Prayers, thoughts, and kind words have been an enormous help. So thanks.

And Merry Christmas!

Ever had your mojo stolen?

I did last night. It was my 4th trip to Walgreen's yesterday, and apparently I 'cut' in line. Thinking back on it, the couple must have asked for a news paper, told they were over somewhere, and came back, because I saw them up there when I was approaching, but when I looked up they were gone. So naturally, I went to the register.

The guy didn't say anything. It was his 6'2 stringy girlfriend that screeched at me. "Excuse me, he was here first!"

"Oh, okay, I thought you were done."

"Well he definitely was not!"

She had it. She had my peace-of-mind at that point. I wanted to scream at her. 'I'm sorry, MA'AM! (and turn to the guy all relaxed and say) And Dude, why don't you speak for yourself next time? Or is she hired on as your exclusive bitcher'

But I didn't stay mad about that for long. Afterwards, I was mad that I was mad. Then I was instantly ready for bed.

Then Alison came in the room, and in her most adorable voice she could put on, she said, "Do you want to open a present early, hunny? You can ick one if you want. I think it'll make you feel better."

How sweet is that. I opened a package with my most-anticipated sweatshirt, and re-recognized my wife's care and love. She made me feel so much better.

People can make us feel like they do at any time. That lady took her own bad emotions and threw them at me. I need to be more of a zen master like my mom. But for now, Alison and I are a pretty good team.

Linking Fish

One thing Alison will affirm about my mind is that it is always making links.
Analogies may be a better word. But links, like the Internet.
I'm always relating one thing to another.
I went to private school for my entire education (minus High school) and of those all but one was christian (Tulane is not). What that means, other than my parents wanted me raised in that environment, is that I have an arsenal of stories and parables that roam around my brain.
So naturally I link my life to stories there-within.
Here are a few of the stories I've linked to Alison's health issues and our most pressing life-situation:

The story of Job.
The story of 40 years of desert-travel for the Israelites.

Jesus healing the Lepers
Jesus' 'Faith of a mustard seed' speech.

But the one I've linked most often is not one you'd think it'd be. It's the story of Jonah. I don't think we're inside a big fish right now, but I'd imagine that'd be dramatic and stressful too. I bet he woke up in there, lit a match, and wished it was a dream. But I think the reason I keep thinking about it is because of Jonah's lesson. To change maybe. To follow instructions.

Messages in the bible are obvious, but when you play life at full speed sometimes the lessons we're supposed to be reading are as subtle as the changes in the weather, so I'm standing in the yard with my barometer-helmet on, and I'm ready for the needle to point me in a new direction.

Tangible & Real

Sometimes words can be fluffy. They don't add much. Some other times they can be hurtful and thoughtless. But today one sentence was like going home. It was comforting. The support for Alison and I has been overwhelming. Overwhelming has been the word that I've used most often to describe it, but it doesn't really capture the picture. See, I am a word-smith, and I knew it wasn't adequate.

So today when I was walking back from the mail box, I stopped after reading this:

Nothing said it like that. I got tears in my eyes. I couldn't help it. They were the right words. Thank you, Alan and Leslee (whom I've never actually met). Your words have helped me.

-------------------------------------------------------

You know, I feel like my posts lately have me becoming a preacher. And that's okay, but I didn't want to alienate anyone not sharing the same views of religion, but sharing the concepts of love and support and friendship. But I have to admit my predisposition to talk with God and think about where I'm at and what he's doing with me. So after the above, I thought about God. That internal dialogue clicked over and the conversation went like this:

"I know you say you don't test us more than we can handle, and now I realize that's true. Well, I 'know' it's true, but I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, but really I guess I wasn't. People help SO much. Is that the lesson I am supposed to get from this? Or is it that I can take more? Can I take more? I hope not. I know Alison's got to be verging on a full-tank of 'it.' She really didn't want to go to chemo today. She started thinking about it last night. But, I guess I can. If that's what the plan is. But thanks, God, thanks for helping us through this."

Party Time

Alison has done so good these last two weeks. She's feeling a lot better lately. We do another chemo round tomorrow, which means ordinarily she'd be hurting pretty bad about now, but she's not. A good sign? I don't think it could be bad.

We had a wonderful weekend with her sorority sisters too, and even attended a christmas party on Saturday night. My friends hadn't seen her out in forever, so when we unexpectedly showed, the room fell silent and everyone stared. It was as if Santa Claus came in the room. The real Santa. Hilarious. Lastly, to offset the estrogen of four girls this weekend, I finished sawing and chopping the tree in the back. Somehow running a chainsaw and swinging an axe makes me happy. And my woodpile is re-stocked. ;)

The Greatest Gift

Okay, well other than God's son on earth. Wanna know what it was?... A NEW CAR!

Okay, not new. But it sounds better after Colin fixed my back speakers. I swear it even looks different. Meaner. Newer.

For Christmas, he and my sister decided to take away the biggest nagging thing on my to-do list. The surest one for NOT getting done. I was officially introduced to CRUTCHFIELD, which impressed me very much. They send specific instructions and wiring adapters based on the Make and Model of your vehicle.

I felt like P pimped my ride. I was all like, "Duuuude!!!! Whew! Yeah!!!!" Yeah, imagine it, Lope with corn-rows like Xhibit.

This completely reassures me on two of my theories. One - that Penny still feels guilty for pushing me off the end of the dock and under the ice when we were kids. And Two - that if you show something a little love, you actually love it more.

View Two

I am still really excited about this lost street sign. It goes in line with one of my most anticipated, but never used, date ideas. The idea is to go downtown, the historic district, the zoo, or some place like that, each armed with a camera and two (+) hours to adventure around, looking for beautiful pictures to shoot. Then when the date is over, they re-convene to compare over dinner. Maybe it'd be best as a double-date. Well, anyways, here's my picture for today.

In the news, Friday, 15 December, is the official appt. time with Dr. Strosberg at H. Lee Moffit in Tampa. ...and... Alison is feeling okay. Pain in her skull and shoulders, not her legs. Which makes her walk okay, but not be able to pull her own covers up, or take off a sweat-shirt. But all in all she's cheery, and we've fostered some christmas spirit with tunes and 'The Polar Express' lastnight.

A New Series

News: We're arranging for a Tampa visit. There was much pain and frustration on my part yesterday with the insurance company, but it's ironing out. Alison gave me perspective by saying, "When you're worried, it makes me worried," in her quiet-girl voice. I wanted to take back the last half-hour's emotions on the spot.

Story: Having Vince around was good for me. Not only because he got me exercising and was fun to ride around with, but because our walks got me out into the world. One morning, before Thanksgiving, we were walking as the sun broke through the trees. I don't know if any of you guys do this, but whenever there is forest around, I'm looking into them. The trees make all kinds of lines with leaves adding color and texture, and it's pleasing. That's why I noticed something about ten feet in that didn't belong. It was an old street sign. One that used to be in-service, but time forgot about. The woods grew out and took it in. I wished I had the camera that morning, and each morning since. But I keep leaving it at home.

Today I took the camera and went searching for it again.

Things that are forgotten can be beautiful in many angles and at varying details, but you only get to see one picture. Today that is.

It's amazing how the world opens up, even in your backyard, if you ask it to.

New Found

Alison and I went through and organized the attic and guest-closet today. It was raining all day, and it sounded like a good thing to do. We found this too (from '03):

The Latest...

Our Oncologist here in Beaufort talked to a doctor at H. Lee Moffit Cancer Center in Tampa, FL. The doctor there thought he might have something to add, and would like to see Alison for an appt. He was supposed to call today. But, looks like I'll have to run him down tomorrow.
I also found a Yahoo group for Carcinoids. It's been really helpful. It led me to a new Carcinoid treatment center in New Orleans. It opened on the 27th of November and is under LSU. I'm going to call them tomorrow.
I HOPE we're headed towards good news. It's been all bad lately. The news has been bad, not the support. Your prayers, thoughts, and help with 'A Dream for Alison' have been overwhelming. It's amazing!
Oh, and one last story. The point of this story will be to illustrate chance and coincidence. Alison was feeling particularly good on Wednesday morning, so we took Vince for a short walk. We chose to walk left from the driveway, completely at random, and somewhat because I went right last time. Well, about 100 yards into the walk, Alison told me that she wasn't up to going all the way around the neighborhood. In response, I told her we could walk to the cul-de-sac on the left and back. As soon as we turned around, we noticed a lady walking to her mail box. But, as soon as I thought that, she'd walked past it and up to us. Vincy-boy really had to go, so I shortened his leash to keep him from her yard, but that's a side point. She'd seen us at the cancer center. Alison talked with her for a long time. It was amazing to hear her story. I won't divulge any of it here though, save to say that I felt as if we were predestined to walk that way AT that moment to meet her. It opened my eyes a little. She was such a beautiful mother. A beautiful mother facing the same trials as Alison.
The one thing that struck me was my wish that she's finding support as we are. That her family and friends are rallying behind her. Wow, we are so fortunate. At that moment, I decided that if we don't come to need 'A Dream for Alison' for emergency/medical expenses, my vote will be for finding a worthy charity. I'll try to keep the support alive. There are so many out there that need it.
Cancer is so terrible.
Friends are so wonderful.

A History

I was checking to make sure that Sara got the link to work, when I was struck by her words and her sincerity. She talked about how Alison's story has touched her. So she got me thinking about the virtual timeline that our blogs lay out. It was really difficult to see the pictures and words from before Alison was diagnosed with cancer. It was hard because of the signs. Damn! Why couldn't I have seen this coming? Because cancer was not even a possibility in my mind. I know a lot more about sports injuries, and that's kind of what I thought was ailing Alison.
But going back was also very fun because it held so many fun and loving memories. And I hope that when I look back in another two years, I'll feel like we continued to make fun and loving memories, in spite of the crisis in Alison's health.
So I thought what better way to introduce Alison and me to new visitors, than to put a little link section on the right side. Check it out >>>>>

A Dream for Alison

Psalm 23 may be the most popular verse in the Bible. But it's for a reason.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Note that it doesn't say He'll take you out of the valley. He walks WITH you through it. Right now Alison's deep in that valley. Duke's plan of low-dose radiation therapy has fallen through. Protocol disapproved. She needs blood again. 2 weeks ahead of schedule this time, approximately twice as fast as last time. I've contacted our social worker and doctor, and will be trying see Neuroendocrine specialists at either Moffit or Mayo. The time is now.

I would also like to point out the part reading 'I shall not want.' I interepret that as 'I shall not be left wanting.' Alison received some good news on Thanksgiving too. Her friends from AGD, and specifically her friend Katy, set up a contribution account called 'A Dream for Alison.' They created it to provide Alison with the means to meet any medical expenses that arise, and when that's through, so that she can take a much needed vacation! Talk about timeliness. It's SO scary right now. It is quite a comfort to realize that God AND good friends are there beside you. So until Alison is able to say this for herself, I'd like to say thanks Katy. And thanks AGD girls.

Cat Naps - Doggy Dreams

This weekend has been nothing but R and R. I'm watching Vince for P & C, or rather he's been watching me - following me around whereever I go. Habitat for Humanity, Lowes, the local Hardware store, the Landfill, the back yard, the garage, the shed....

Last night we watched Notre Dame get stomped by USC together. I left to check on Alison (who's been really sick since Turkeyday) and when I came back, I noted that he'd taken over the couch.

He must have been worn out from our runs around the neighborhood, which he's interpreted as his private squirrel hunting expeditions.

P warned me not to yell at him (I have to yell at one of my cats because it's the only way to get her attention), so I haven't. Nope. Instead, I'm spoiling him rotten. Running through the forest, encouraging mad-barking at squirrels as we full-out sprint at them. He likes to chase reflection-lights too, so I've obliged that part of our play-time.

He'd be spoiled rotten by now except Lily has him walking the line. She's very upfront about her territory. Vince shutters and backs away when she's hissing at him. It's heart breaking, really...

New Life: Part Two

Here are the end results of my dresser project. I think it turned out pretty decent.

Saying Grace

Yesterday we hosted family and friends, and there was so much food I couldn't even try it all! Thanksgivings in my house always start with carving the turkey, which my Grandpa always used to do. Believe it or not, yesterday was my first time operating on the turkey. I guess to me it was like coming of age. Then there was saying grace. Now, I hadn't mentally prepared for cutting perfect slices of white meat, but I had thought a lot about what the prayer should include.

My prayers lately though have been asking for wisdom and grace. They're that way because I know I shouldn't beg for Alison's return to health. That's already in God's plan. It's His will.
I feel like a toddler, getting put in the bathtub by God.
"Daddy, Daddy, it's too hot! I'm burning! Take me out! I hate it!"
I hate seeing the pain Alison is in. I want desperately to see her spared. But my heart knows this is a lesson for both of us. He won't spare us until we're clean.

My prayers should be for trust.

My prayer's theme yesterday was thankfulness.
There's nothing like adversity to make us realize how blessed we are.
So this Thanksgiving I felt like a king. My treasure is my family and my many caring friends. It's the people that have supported Alison through her trials. People I honestly didn't know were there.

So saying the prayer was good for me. Then eating the food was devastating. I felt like I swallowed one of those pill-toys that blows up into a sponge upon contact with water. All of a sudden a red-sponge Brachiosaurus was trying to blow out my sides. After awhile that dude stopped trying though, and I felt a tired comfort.

A Little Girl Dancing

Today was all rain.
Alison dragged me to a matinee of "Happy Feet." About half way through she pointed out a little girl in the isle in front of us, covering her ears to the 'scary' part. The little girl had blonde hair, held back with a barret. She had all pink clothing.
A little later she pointed out two small feet sticking straight up in the air; she was small enough to lay straight down on the seat. It was hilarious because as soon as Alison got my attention, the little girl howled, "Woah!" to a part in the action. It was as if the part had blown her head over feet in her seat.
At the end of the movie, the penguins tap dance. One of them yells, "We need to Dance! Dance now!" And to our amusement, the little girl danced twirls in the isle, utterly taken by the drama.

I could see Alison's great amusement in her childlike behavior. It was so cute.

I thought to myself that Alison would do so well with a daughter. She wants four! It's such a far away place from where we stand now. And I was saddened to think about it. But I love children. I admire their simplicity and their lack of inhibitions. And I look forward to having our own. Somehow I know we'll have girls, and I know they'll look exactly like Alison. Well... I'll pray for that.
It was a lot of fun today. I am glad she made me go.

A Case Unlike Any Other

Today we received bad news from the doctor. Alison's cancer is spreading. The lesions in her liver that were present in the last scan are bigger. There are more of them now to boot. The main tumor is still the same. Her needing blood so badly a week ago indicates that her bones are following suit. I never knew that cancer could mutate and adapt to chemotherapy. He said it's more likely to adapt when there are more cancer cells to be afforded the time to change.

So what now... We're going to follow up with Dr. Morse at Duke, to see if his proposed regime has passed protocol. We're going to continue to press with chemotherapy and biological therapy. We're doubling her Sandostatin injection. But it's time to see what options are out there and go for them. The doctor was right today when he said Alison is better now than she was in July. She is. That's why it's important to act now.

He also said that the ground on which we tread will be new, because her case is unique, unlike any other. This cancer is supposed to be slow-growing. Not many people have Neuroendocrine tumors at all, so there is less knowledge about what's effective out there. ... We may change the frequency of chemo, going to weekly. We may even change the drugs. If we do, or if we raise the dosage of the drug we haven't raised yet, it'll hurt Alison more. Her hair will go. I guess her hair to me has been like a battle flag. It's still there and pretty, saying to me that everything will be okay. But battles aren't pretty, and I guess it's better to carry a gun than a flag.

So after the news we went for some Mozzarella sticks and Cherry Cokes from Sonic, and drove to the boat landing. We sat and ate, watched the water, and chatted. I watched the water pass under the dock, noticing the light and shadow illuminating the water underneath a green emerald. It reminded me of Lake George as a kid, laying on the dock with my best friends, looking through the planks at the water underneath. I used to imagine my life as a fish, perusing through the seaweed. I mentioned to Alison that I'd like to stay there a lot longer, and not go home. Home represented reality, where phone calls bearing bad news would go out. I liked the sun and the water, and pretending that everything was right in the world.

She looked great today, sitting next to me with her red sweatshirt and jeans, her face full of color and her hair reflecting the sun. My revelation for the day was that we can find happiness in such simplicity, even in the worst of times.

So tomorrow I'll get to work on the options, and as always, I'll keep you posted.

New Life

My current project is this antique dresser. I balked on buying it last week at 'Habitat for Humanity' for 50$. But I came back this week and it was 30$. So I've adopted it. It was hating life and needing new shoes.

New handles were 18$ from Lowes.com.

One 1x6 Aspen board, cut and glued and shaped into a new leg was 8$

And new foam rollers so the paint goes on nicely were 3$.

A little paint, some fixes to broken drawers, and a lot of sanding? Sweat equity.

So it's about 60 dollars for what WILL be a nice nice dresser, with wood features that you just don't find today. Not for under 500.

Magic

Did you know that there is REAL magic in the world? What magic? Time.

Time, it seems, has the ability to vanish and reappear. It convinces the audience of its shortness and moments later, its length.
Time eludes us. It gives us all types of illusions.
Tonight I saw a young man on a date, wearing a letter-jacket. The letter-jacket had a big 07 on the sleeve. When I realized he was a senior this year, I was floored.
Time gave the illusion that I've grown up in an instant.
All of a sudden I am a decade out of that dudes shoes.
I am not the one on dates sporting a big 'G.'

But moments after time's disappearing, it reappeared and convinced me I couldn't have squeezed one more wink into the last ten years.
The hours have been jammed-packed with life.
I've been the most miserable I've ever been. For Pete's sake, I've had to spoon with grown dudes for body heat!
I've been the most happy too. Those times are spent spooning with someone wearing a ring I bought her.
But 'Senior' seems only an instant ago...
So what seems impossible is possible. It happened.

Time is magic.

Passing Time

This week has been relaxing. Alison hasn't felt good, so we've been laying around. But it's more a function of where we've been laying that's been cool. My family rented a cabin on Hunting Island; right next to the lighthouse and adjacent to the beach. I wish Alison would have felt better, but I think watching movies, and sitting at the beach was good for her. I could tell that she liked playing cards too, because she kept yelping "UNO" before me, making me draw 4. Vicious is the first word that comes to mind.

The concept I noticed all around me this week was recycling/renewal. The first and most obvious reason is erosion. The beach is disappearing. The storms this week pretty much annihilated the sand that was replenished this year. See, Hunting Island is THE barrier island for Beaufort. It absorbs most of the weather, the tides, and the wind. It's been disappearing since before Carolina was a state. Now the rate is 15 feet per year. When we visited the lighthouse, I read that the lost sand is depositing itself 1 mile off-shore. It will create a new Island. They've had to move the lighthouse three times. The last time, in 1885, it was moved more than a mile inland to the middle of the island. Today a bad storm would put water on its foundation. They claim it's 400 ft from sea still. I think it's closer.

There's renewal in the season changing. It's just only beginning Autumn here. Driving with Alison all week, and specifically coming home from the beach after dark and in the rain, I noticed leaves in the road, wet and being blown around. In my mind I see one blowing off the side and up against the forest floor, only to decay and become soil by spring.

Finally, I noticed renewal in all of us. I feel eroded and in transition. But I think this week taught me to fight it less. To enjoy being here, surrounded by a world re-creating itself. Our lives will change and our circumstances as well. It's natural, isn't it? So I hope to enjoy the process.

Growing a Bigger Heart

Everyone has a story like a board full of pits and cracks. It's only that we're too far away to discern one board from another.

My family's adversity lately has made me grow a bigger heart. I realize more now than before, that everyone is in a struggle. When I walk the isles of a supermarket, I see different people in different ways. I understand that most of us there have financial stresses, family illnesses or -God forbid - deaths, relationship problems, etc. Each person has his/her own successes and failures, burdens and constraints. It's even given me more patience with other drivers.

I am not naive enough to give just anyone the benefit of the doubt on being a good person. Far from it. Desperation can cause any of us to act out against each other. Greed can do the same to the weak of heart. Not everyone shares my values. Maybe they don't share yours either. But what I realize now is that adversity and pain have no discretion. They hit us all. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am slower to judge, on the basis of mercy.

This afternoon I was walking along the sidewalk on the way to the gym. I could hear the sounds of children at recess and feel the crisp autumn air. I noticed the sun was brighter because the leaves of the trees were yellow and spread the light like lamp shades. I noticed another sound too; soft scratching of leaves being blown across the sidewalk. I thought, 'how cool is this exact moment?' Then I turned the corner and saw the wind blowing a few happy leaves in a circle, like kids on a merry-go-round. It was nice to stand there and breathe.

So now when I pray, I'll pray for grace. I'll not pray to be spared from pain, but to handle it well. I'll pray for an appreciative eye. We're all out of bullets anyways, aren't we? I surrender. I surrender the outcome in order to enjoy the game. I'll probably have to read this to remember not to compare scores in a few weeks...

John Kerry Banner

A good friend email'd this picture to me. I just can't help but put it on here, what with all the hype about Kerry's comments.

Home Again, Home Again

Alison was discharged from the hospital Friday afternoon. Her family came Thursday night, so she was glad to get home and see everyone. She's not feeling too hot; she missed chemotherapy last week. She still has a drainage tube in her hip, so the doctor thought it best to enlist the help of a home-nursing company.

My thoughts were that they would irrigate the wound on Saturday, Sunday, and then be done. But I guess what this service amounts to is a 24-hour call-if-you-need-anything service. And it means that someone will be around for questions, to come check on her, etc. So I feel it's a blessing. The weekends are so stressful for me because I know it's a period where the only care I have at my disposal is the ER. Everyone knows how sour an experience that can be.

Alison starts chemotherapy again Monday. Hopefully she'll be well-rested from the weekend and ready to keep battling.

Fortune Cookie: Update on Ali

Tuesday morning they drained her hip infection. The doctor placed a red rubber tube into the wound for irrigation. This tube extends out and wraps around the gauze. He said the infection was an abscess and was bigger than he'd thought. He said she was lucky not to have it infect the bone.

Alison's recovering just fine from the surgery, although last night she got sick twice. I say it's hospital funk. The cultures haven't grown much of anything, so they think it will be okay to fight from home, but won't release her earlier than Friday.

We're all business right now, I know, but as my fortune cookie said today, "When you're up to your ears, it is best to keep your mouth closed."

Hospital Stay

Alison's doctor chose to admit her today. He took one look at her hip infection and decided it needed drained. He also said her hemoglobin was really low (inconsistent with her trend of late) and she needed blood. So we're back in the hospital. Blood tonight, drain tomorrow, and IVs of antibiotic after that. Hopefully we'll begin chemotherapy on Wednesday now.

I am not nearly as scared about this visit as I was about the internal jugular clot visit. In fact, I'm planning on returning to her room in a few hours with stuff for a 'date' with her and MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.

I'll keep everyone posted.

Painting

Next week Penny and I will drop off our submissions for an charity auction in Indy.

Here's my almost final streetlight painting:

I had a thought today and it was 'Thank God life is 9 innings.' It's enough time to win and lose and win again. It's not one time up to bat.

Surf Fishing on Sunday

Hoop Dreams

Tonight Alison and I went to buy a basketball pole for me. Yay! Alison's been encouraging me to get one lately, but finally it was my gut that told me it was okay. (It's a little less than a 6 pack, though a six pack might fit right inside there just fine)

Searching online revealed Walmart's Lifetime 44" portable hoop the best deal around. On sale for 68 bucks. I was excited when we got it home, and after making tacos for dinner, I went out to assemble.

Yeah, there were two middle poles, and no bottom pole. See, the mast of the hoop is in three pieces, and they just didn't fit. The bottom one wasn't right. So here I go, slightly perturbed, albeit understanding of cheapy basketball manufacturers, down the road another 20 minutes back to Walmart.

And then it got worse. Friday night after Six. Walmart is the inside of a zoo after hours during a thunderstorm. Chaos. They had half the lanes open that were open the first visit, with twice the customers. Even sporting goods was jammed. I could barely breathe.

So after waiting behind three ladies who counted change to pay for their massive carts full of groceries, I had to shave again and was going gray. I payed and left. Then in the parking lot I made sure all the pieces matched all the drawings, got into my car, and drove 20 minutes home.

I took two lessons away from this experience: 1) Walmart needs some hours-help re-thinking. I won't go back for a LONG time after that experience. 2) It might have been worth it to go to a sporting goods store where it would be me, the customer, and Frank, the salesman and cashier. It would have been worth another 20 bucks initially, especially considering the extra 40 minutes of driving, and the need for a very large beer after my shopping experience. Hell, maybe Frank could have had one ready for me too....

Rummaging through filth

So the big thing is YouTube. Here's the only thing I found worth a salt. I am in works on another painting and I think this shows a little of an artist's toil... the evolution of a drawing... and how fast it changes in your mind before it does on paper...

Mailbox

Alison and I went for a walk Saturday morning, making the most of the rare autumn weather in Carolina. On the way home we noticed several new mailboxes in our neighborhood. In a unanimous decision, we voted not to be left out. So we walked home and got out a saw, a router, some paint, and some brushes, and went to work. Here are some of the pictures:

Me with a router-

Alison painting -

I painted the other side upside down on accident -

Finished -

A Note To Her: The River

Last night I wrote Alison a small note. Sometimes she captivates me and makes me feel like everything is alright. And I don't know if this will convey itself right, but all you need to do in trying times is give yourself to the love you have. It's almost like letting yourself go. here's that note, only modified into a free-verse poem:

It's easy to lose footing in the currents of our lives.
And to struggle around the bends and eddies.
And I'm supposed to be, if not an anchor,
Then a very good oarsman, but time and change
Are the two things that weaken even rocks,
Until all is sand and dust.

But tonight you refreshed me.

You fell asleep with your book in your hands.
A sudden twitch told me you were dreaming
And brought me to admire your peace.
Your hair tucked in behind your ear,
Your bright night T that adds to your sleepy cheer

Tonight I realized that together we are strong.
When we have done all we will, we won't be dust,
but rather, only very polished.

Dad and I had fun on his 10ft jon-boat this weekend. We spent the majority of his 53rd B-day shrimping and fishing.




I also decided to give my recent painting to my boss and his wife. He's been a driving force allowing me a LOT of time to care for Alison and just be with her through these trying times. He just recieved orders to Atlanta, and will be leaving shortly. I hope that someday I am able to be there for someone that needs me like he's been there for me.



Here's a relatively horrible picture of the painting. I think they liked it a lot. That red level has about 6 inches showing on the painting for scale...

The Next Step/Top Fifteen Cancer Centers

Lately I've thought alot about Alison's care, the Marine Corps, and how I am due to move in June of 2007, etc. I'm facing some tough decisions about what to do. Like everything else, any potential move is subject to job positions available at the time we're scheduled to move. Anyways, I've got to get in touch with the guy that sends me where I go. So tonight I was researching possible places to take Alison, and I came across the 2006 Top Cancer Hospitals Listing. I thought it might be good to post here. I am going to work on either staying put or going near one of these:

Top 15 Cancer Hospitals - U.S. News & World Report
U.S. News & World report ranked the Top Cancer Hospitals in the United States:

1. Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center - New York, NY
2. University of Texas M. D. Anderson Cancer Center - Houston, TX
3. Johns Hopkins Hospital - Baltimore, MD
4. Mayo Clinic - Rochester, MN
5. Dana-Farber Cancer Institute - Boston, MA
6. University of Washington Medical Center - Seattle, WA
7. Duke University Medical Center - Durham, NC
8. University of Chicago Hospitals - Chicago, IL
9. UCLA Medical Center - Los Angeles, CA
10. University of California, San Francisco Medical Center - San Francisco, CA
11. H. Lee Moffitt Cancer Center and Research Institute - Tampa, FL
12. University of Pittsburgh Medical Center - Pittsburgh, PA
13. Cleveland Clinic - Cleveland, OH
14. Stanford Hospital and Clinics - Palo Alto, CA
15. Massachusetts General Hospital - Boston, MA

And finally, caringforcarcinoid.org lists the following as treatment centers that treat Carcinoids:

Cedars-Sinai
Dana-Farber Cancer Institute
Fox Chase Cancer Center
Johns Hopkins University - Sidney Kimmel Comprehensive Cancer Center
Louisiana State University - Stanley S. Scott Cancer Center
Mayo Clinic
MD Anderson Cancer Center
Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center
Moffitt Cancer Center
Mount Sinai Medical Center
Stanford University
University of Iowa - Holden Comprehensive Cancer Center
University of Maryland - Greenebaum Cancer Center
University of Pittsburgh Medical Center
Yale University

Wanna Change Your Diet? You Will...

All you need to do is have your blood drawn. If you've had fried chicken, there'll be little rice-size chunks of fat just-a-swimmin' around your blood stream. Take a look in that vile of blood. There it is. Fat floating. Ready to cause you major heart failure. Ready to lodge into the back of our arms. Into our bellies.

It makes me think, "Wait, I thought that stuff stayed in the digestive tract, and nutrients are extracted along the way."

BIG FAT NUTRIENTS. Bits of hamburger. Bits of those oreos. Bits of fat ready to lodge themselves into our arteries.

I saw it this morning. Alison and I are going to change our diets. Right now.

As for her current health, she's been in fairly severe pain since last Wednesday. The blood test showed she needs blood; we'll get some tomorrow. She's also mid-stride in another chemotherapy session.

We're hanging in there. Hanging in there with strawberries and blackberries. With lettuce and carrots. We're not going back for a big bucket of extra-crispy KFC for a long time. Though it's so good. So, so good.

State of My Woman Address

Today we met with Dr. Chahin. He informed us that our CT scan showed reduction in the size of the main tumor. That means the chemotherapy is working. However, the radiologist noted several small lesions (cancerous) in her liver. Dr. Chahin believed, however, that those lesions had developed after our last CT scan (14 Jun 06) and before we started chemotherapy in late July.

My thoughts were mixed. I was thrilled to hear the chemotherapy had reduced the main tumor in Alison's belly. Chemotherapy isn't normally effective with Neuroendocrine tumors at all. I was concerned that her liver shows some cancer. So happy and concerned and hopeful. That's what I am. So's she, I think. We're both glad to know what's happening.

The next step is to continue with another four sessions of chemotherapy and then recheck. Dr. Chahin is going to remain in communication with Duke University Oncologist, Michael Morse M.D. about his radioisotope radiation plan, but we need to get Alison a little further in her recovery first.

So for now we breathe relief and try to get motivated for more treatments, and pray and hope. I've learned to be more thankful to wake up and see each day. They certainly are not promised to any of us.

News

Monday at 1:45 we will find out the results of Alison's latest CT scan, seeing the effectiveness of her therapy thus-far, and hearing the next move for her from our Oncologist. It goes with out saying that I am nervous.

My boat is what we call in aviation maintenance 'long-term down' after I found a cut in the u-joint bellows (a rubber sleeve that keeps the sea water from filling your boat up but allows the engine to turn the propeller.) A huge cut. Alison's Dad, brother and I are going to try and repair it ourselves this week. It goes without saying that I am nervous.

And finally, Alison, Penny, Colin, Brian, and I (and Matt and Jenn) had a good day at the beach today. Alison especially had a good time I think. The girls read underneath a palm tree while us boys waded through the lagoon hunting the fishes and trying not to hit fallen trees hidden under the muddy water. Thanks for the photo's Colin.