A Perfect Wedding

Niki and I were married on December 12th, at a little Chapel in Winona Lake, Indiana. It was a bright and clear day, and she was absolutely beautiful. A small group of family and friends attended, and my grandmother surprised me by making the drive in from Chicago by herself. What a nice treat!

I have a heart full of gratitude, because God has blessed me. I am so happy that my heart was open enough to allow that blessing, that I didn't dwell on loss, even while battling with it every day. He certainly has a plan. I've always known there is one, even though I never understand where it's going, or where I am along the way. I trust in Him, and thank God for bringing Niki into my life.

I am excited about the future, my future with Niki.

I'm Engaged!

Saturday night was our night for celebrating the 234th birthday of the
United States Marine Corps. My sister and brother-in-law were in
attendance. I think they had fun. We'll all remember it forever,
that's for sure.

I had a surprise Saturday night.

I arranged for my boss get on stage and claim "it's a tradition here for
the Operations Officer to lead us with the first dance."

I pulled Niki's seat back, and asked her to join me. We walked to the
center of the ballroom and I retrieved the microphone. I wished a happy
birthday to all the Marines in attendance. They cheered back with their
grunts and calls of motivation. Then I turned to Niki and said...

"My heart wants for nothing else than to make you my wife."

Her eyes grew wide as I dropped to one knee and pulled out a diamond
ring from my pocket.

The Marines cheered, and I waited for the noise to subside before
saying...

"Niki, will you marry me?"

There were more cheers, and my hands trembled as I placed the ring on
her finger.

Then we danced. And smiled.

Life is too short not to act when you know it's right. Each day is too
precious not to dare to love, and to act on your instincts when the
opportunities present themselves. I acted, nervously but boldly. And I
plan to make her happy for the rest of her life.

Semper Fidelis means "Always Faithful."

'Ever will I be.

Enduro - Endured

No injuries. All smiles.

Group Shot. We're tired puppies.

Scenic View of the Trail Ahead of Us.

A River Crossing.

Loose Rocks on a Long Hill.

Mogollon Rim Rendezvous - Bubble Gum Day

Today is done and no injuries. Pictures here.


I did have some trouble though. I misread my GPS and went off-course. The terrain was tight pine forest and I was too far committed when I realized my mistake. Instead of backtracking, I tried to cut my own trail up a hill in the forest in order to save time. Bad decision! Trees down everywhere! I jumped two trees just fine, but the third got me, and the bike went down. Turns out in Arizona, the pine trees have many branches that each break off and make sharp edges. :( Why can't they make trees like they do in Indiana? So I pick up the bike, and gas is pouring out of the side of the tank and onto my leg. Punctured.

So I McGuyver'd it. Here's my bubble gum "fix". Quotation marks means the stream of gas went from looking like a horse peeing to a slow trickle. I went 92.3 miles more and finished the day! Sorry, Allyn, about your bike. I'll get you a new tank. What a good lesson learned though! What fun!

Walking In Autumn

Walking with Niki and Kai in the Park lately....


All I could say when I saw this was "Can you please stop pimping out our dog?"

Customer Service as a Nice Surprise

Sometimes companies can surprise you. I bought a handheld GPS from
Amazon.com on October 12th. I needed it for an Enduro Race in Arizona
on the 24th. I decided to go with the free shipping option because the
delivery date was estimated to be October 20th. The 20th came with no
package on my doorstep, so I decided to track it down...

Amazon's website gave a tracking number with the United States Postal
Service, and kept the estimated delivery date at October 20th. I went
to USPS.com, but they had no record of the package. Hmmph. UPS.com was
next, but they didn't have it either. Finally, I found that FedEx had
it and had sent it from Ohio to Pennsylvania, and weren't planning to
deliver it until the 24th (when I'd be in Arizona).

I filled out a customer service complaint, not with the expectation for
action on Amazon's part, but more as a form of therapy for myself. I
wanted to inform them that if it didn't arrive by the 23rd, I'd be
buying it locally and returning their shipment. I added to boot that I
would not be using Amazon in the future.

So last night I received this email. I was completely surprised, and
completely happy. In true "Dumb and Dumber" fashion, I thought "then
you go and TOTALLY redeem yourself!"

-----Original Message-----
From: "Amazon.com Customer Service" <cust.service03@amazon.com>
Sent: Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:49:57 Pacific Daylight Time
To: Me
Subject: Your Amazon.com Order #XXX-XX-XXXXX-XX

Hello,

I'm extremely sorry to hear that this package hasn't yet arrived to you.

Your package was shipped on Oct 14, 2009 by a service called FedEx
SmartPost. FedEx takes these shipments from our fulfillment centers and
delivers them to the U.S. Post Office closest to the destination. The
U.S. Postal Service will make the final delivery.
I understand that you need this shipment by Oct 24, 2009 and the
tracking information on carriers website states that it will be arrived
on Oct 24, 2009.
To ensure that you receive your items as soon as possible for you needs,
I've placed a new order that's listed below. We'll ship it to the same
address as soon as possible. I've also upgraded the shipping method to
One-Day Shipping at no additional charge.

Estimated Delivery Date: Oct 22, 2009
There's no charge for this replacement order.

If the original order does show up, please use our Online Returns Center
to return the extra order or refuse the package :
http://www.amazon.com/returns

We look forward to your next visit.

Best regards,

Balaji K.
Amazon.com
We're Building Earth's Most Customer-Centric Company
http://www.amazon.com/your-account

Camping With Dad

I am currently 3 days into a 10-day vacation. I spent the first two with Dad in the Daniel Boone National Forest. I don't think I've ever camped with just him and me. It was really nice to spend time with him, and to hike to some really awesome places. I want to make that kind of trip a once-per-year deal from now on.

The next 6 days will be here in Florida. Niki and I plan to do nothing but relax...

Planning Habits and Raking Leaves

Planning is a theme theme has been in season lately. I've spent long hours in planning as we roll into a new Fiscal Year at work. In conversations with friends, noticing differences amongst our planning habits and styles have provoked friendly smiles and playful jabs. And at home, my habits of planning have become stressful. The habits are getting worse!

It's not that I don't plan. It's that my planning is like autumn. The ideas fall like leaves, a few at a time, and it's hard to judge when the process is complete. For me, there are always too many variables for a plan to hold true for long, so why start raking?

I know, you're probably thinking that mine is the yard that hopes the leaves blow on to someone else' yard. It's not. I'm sure to go rake; it's just that the decision comes at any time.

And in my defense, what of the time between the making of a plan and it's execution? Is it wasted? Could that time be used to make and execute other plans? Or is it just spent in waiting. Does the preparation have to take the entire time between the marching orders and "D-Day?"

And if you don't buy my defense, I'll just say it's hard to change. I know there is little comfort in jamming 10 gallons of plans into a 5-gallon bucket. And it's probably tough to be around someone that lives that way. I just want to cram as much life as I can into the life I'm given.

So to those around me, thanks for putting up with it. :)

Goings On

Tire Transport
Originally uploaded by tommykline

New knobby tires shortly! Bringing these rims into the shop to get more 'dirt-worthy' rubber mounted.

Niki, Mom, Mason and I went down the Eel River. That's a canoe strapped to my roof.

New Message
Originally uploaded by tommykline

Staining my deck. Needed it last year. Sorry, no picture...

Reassurance

If I could count on one thing per day, it would be that I'd see two big ol' ears and a fiercely wagging tail.

Kai won't leave my side. If I'm on my couch, she's beside me. When I go downstairs, she goes too. If I lay down, you'll find her in the room. She licks my elbow to get attention. She loves to play. In fact, if I could get an employer to pay her for playing, she'd be making
me rich. Her energy abounds.

I almost left this post titled "Girls and Dogs," and almost typed the simple statement "Both need a lot of reassurance." They do! Constant affection. They need to know you care.

But Guys need it too. They need reassurance from their companionship. Thus, I simply titled this "reassurance." It's a law like gravity.

New Message
Originally uploaded by tommykline

Anti-Advertising

Picture this: You are at a store, looking at an item that you've wanted for a while. You can afford it, and bring it home. You've imagined your ability to use it, and how much fun it will be, or how practical. So now it's under your arm, and you're hauling it to the checkout counter.
Now you're in your car driving home, and now you place it with all the other things that you thought you'd have fun with.

And there it sits.

I want to develop a mental program that runs just before the moment I pull out my billfold. I want this program to run my anti-advertising campaign. Slogan? Maybe "This thing you CAN own, but if you choose to, you HAVE to own it."

That's too long. Let's try "The cost beyond the cost: House full-o-shtuff, Volume 1."

Or "The Cost of Ownership, a Loss of Freedom."

See, I have too many things. I have back-ups for those things, in case they break. My house is full. And I can't give away most of it, because everyone else' houses are full too. Yet, whether I'm click-clicking around, or in a store perusing, that thought never runs through my mind until I'm home.

It doesn't cross my mind that I'll have to clean what I'm buying. I'll have to provide for it. Provide storage. Perform maintenance. Pay for electricity to run it. Wash it.
My grandfather used to say "never invest in anything that eats or needs painting." I used to think that was a complicated way to say "invest in land." Now I know it has to become a life philosophy.

Hold nothing dear, as everything will pass. Hold everything dear, as everything will pass. Don't try to own everything. Just enjoy it.

Anti-Advertising programming to continue...

Time Passes Again

Trailblazer of Fun
Originally uploaded by tommykline

Change can be seen and felt right now. I noticed geese flying south last night. And this week the corn husks have turned from vibrant green to dying yellow. Last week I began layering to stay warm on the bike in the morning.

Summer is ending, and fall is beginning.

It has been a great summer, but a quick one. It never really even began, really. No scorching-hot weeks.

Where did it all go?

Labor Day Project

Labor Day Project
Originally uploaded by tommykline

The good thing about Monday off? The ability to complete a project that gets started.

-Okay, I didn't get finished. But the baseboards are on, and it's all caulked up. All that remains is moving the stuff back in, and painting over the caulked parts!

Metaphorical Foliage and New Love

On a whim one day I decided to buy my shop lunch. I ordered "You Pick Two" for everyone, and was attempting to hold the bags and put on my hat while walking towards the door. I was in uniform so I had to get 'under cover' (meaning put wearing the hat) by the time I was outdoors. On my way through the glass doors I noticed a very pretty girl with a look of recognition in her eyes. It was only a momentary glance, and I went back to the shop and enjoyed lunch.

Later that day I received an email from someone who'd been pointed to the blogs by a college friend that was a High School classmate of Alison's. She'd sent her condolences just after Ali's passing, so I knew the name. We decided to have lunch one day... it was nice to be with new company; new company with whom I didn't have to explain my story. It was weird, but very nice. Funny thing when I tell someone about Ali for the first time - the conversation stops.

We decided to have lunch another time, and became friends.

Soon we were hanging out regularly and I had developed feelings. Niki was very VERY respectful of the situation, and I had to be very forthcoming about where I wanted our friendship to go.

I'll back-track here momentarily to detail my recognition of my own feelings. I have written previously that I held the secret of Alison's diagnosis for a long time. I did my very best to love and support her. I love Alison so deeply that it scarred. It's permanent. But I understand that she is gone. And maybe I had more time to prepare emotionally because of that secret. But what I didn't predict is that another love would not have to compete.

I thought my feelings for Alison would never allow for someone new.

And I thought that developing feelings for someone new would tear me up.

So it was really some revelation to realize that they didn't compete at all. Somehow they are separate, one having developed into an oak (I tried to link back to a post where I wrote about how our love went from a flower to a solid oak but realized in searching that I write the word "tree" a LOT), and one that had just budded, not yet developed it's own metaphorical foliage.

So I made a choice to let it grow.

I stand and face the future, molded by the past.

If we are less dramatic, I'll revise the last sentence to read 'I have resolved to see what happens.' I had hesitated to write about Niki for some time. Can you imagine the pressure that something like this could put on a relationship? But now I know we can handle it... and that this is the next step.

With warmth, all, welcome Niki.

I know it was meant to be. She has so much compassion, so much heart. If I had to list three things to write about her as an introduction, I'll say that 1) her smile and laugh is 'right', and infectious. 2) She really lives each day, not taking them for granted. and 3) she's got whatever 'it' is.

If I have learned anything in my twenties, it's that nothing is predictable. So I just write about it and enjoy the story.

Writing Well

I love writing. Choosing the perfect word and placing it in the perfect place is difficult and stressful, but if you can conquer the sentence, it can make a reader think, visualize, and understand. Writing is building, really, almost like a mason or a carpenter.

Only that which is well-built will last.

This morning a Marine asked me to revise an essay for his college writing class. After we were through, I thought to myself, 'wow, you are the worst person to ask for revision.' Instead of a few red pen scratch marks, I gave him an hour-long regurgitation of what I've learned to work for me. I know it was more than he bargained for. But those lessons made my mind ignite. So with my mind still firing, I'm capturing my own tips:


1) Use An Active Voice. The subject of each sentence should do the doing, not have the doing done to them. I ate the apple. Not this apple was eaten by Tom.

2) Vary Sentence Length. Run-on's suck, but so do sentences that are exactly the same length. The reader loses interest. He or she stops paying attention.

3) Use The Least Amount Of Words Possible Of Convey The Most Information. A writer can imply more by saying less. It makes the reader have to think more.

4) Describe, Don't Classify. The apple was good. That's classifying the apple as good. Instead, the apple was sweet, and the skin stuck between my teeth. The reader identifies with the sweetness, and the sweetness can be classified by the reader. And the reader can perceive him/herself picking at those apple remnants with a toothpick.


The depressing part about my regurgitation, was that when I went back to give an example of good writing, I came up short. A lot of my old posts are heinous. (That's classifying) Blogging certainly doesn't promote revision.

Finally, no post would be complete lately without a riding clip. This time the clip is short, and captures my day off Wednesday...

Learning Skill

WR-426 on MX Course
Originally uploaded by tommykline

I really like learning new things. And learning them well. So lately I've been concentrating on learning to ride in the dirt. Your body has to know what to do, kind of like playing an instrument. But unlike playing music, riding off-road can break both of your legs. So I have been researching and implementing, bit by bit. The reward is in feeling it go 'right' one time.

That feeling makes you want to try more.

There is a comfort zone one has to get one's self out of to learn or improve, but there's a skill-zone that if one passes, hospital bills ensue.

I came home Friday with a better feel for sliding into and accelerating out of turns, no injuries, and a big appetite to learn more.

Windstruck Ernie, and Clean Cars

Windstruck Ernie, and Clean Cars
Originally uploaded by tommykline

This is a quick photo of Ernie in a baby swing. He's inside my local carwash, and we have breakfast every Friday. Before returning to Indiana, I'd handwash my vehicles every Friday after work. But
here there's a Carwash Company that is remarkable, and much easier. This isn't a plug for them.
I love a clean car. It feels new, it feels like I'm doing 'good.' Clean cars make me excited for the weekend. I guess I'm a little like 'Monk', obsessive, but when my ol' bucket' is dirty, I start
to think 'new.' And we've all felt the buyer's remorse of that.
So for now, here's to sipping my coffee with Ernie.

A Year

One year ago today, Alison found peace. I walked by her side through each and every day of her struggle. I was there for every tear... I was there for every laugh. Together we found a strength that got us through. My love has never faultered. Neither has my faith. My physical strength gave way long before my will did. On that fateful day, I held her in my arms as long as I could. I feel terrible for not holding her longer. But I think it's right that she went when we looked away.

I am writing this from Center Cemetery; it's beautiful here.

New Message
Originally uploaded by tommykline

The sun is shining through the muggy air. The corn almost hides the church completely, just like it did last year. It's here that I know that truly, I will never move on. The loss is felt now as it was felt one year ago, as it will be felt in 50 more. But I have to heal. No pain this deep could ever be sustained in one heart.

With all of her spirit and grace, I have to show as much now.

Dirt Road Whoops

Dirt Road Whoops
Originally uploaded by tommykline

One of thosse new hobbies. I have been having a great time learning to ride in the dirt. A few weeks ago I even participated in an Enduro Race in Matthews, Indiana. It was a ton of fun.

Books Call Out

I've been thinking about returning for some time now. Writing is a difficult endeavor, especially if you're not well-practiced. So each time I've attempted, I've fallen short. But tonight a few books called out to help me while I was at Barnes and Noble. Have you ever noticed how you'll gravitate toward one book amongst thousands? Call it bookstore-karma. Put yourself in the right frame of mind, and the perfect book will present itself to you.
Tonight two books stood out: "The are of Racing in the Rain" by Garth Stein and "Love is a Mixed Tape" by Rob Sheffield. I sat down, and found why Stein's book was appropriate. It's written in the perspective of a dog, and seems to be about the bond between a dog and his/her owner. Kai is my new dog. Sheffield's book was a more direct correlation: after 7 years of being with his wife, she died. I was with Ali from 2001-2008. Initially I thought 'Why can't I escape this theme?' And then I answered myself, 'Because it probably holds something for you.'
So I cut to the chase: page 213. If you're in a bookstore in the near future, you can read the second paragraph in lieu of me trying to get my own words out there; he spoke them for me.
To both the author and my own revelation, life after loss is not a second-rate life. The radiance is still there. It's no copy.
I've found new hobbies, new avenues for happiness, new direction, and even new love. I've found life before and life after impossible to compare, and in that impossibility, there is no competition. It's simply different.
It's my intention to keep writing. Not because people are reading, but because I need to write. And the story is not complete.

Continuation

I've been noted as having blogged very little lately. Several emails and a few phone calls wondering how I'm doing, and where I'm at, all responded to by saying that I find that I am doing well, and just haven't found an 'Our Lady' voice as of late. But I'm seeing that others I read are likely in the same boat.

If you haven't found it yet, Google-Reader is a handy tool for reducing your time surfing from blog to blog. I can never remember all the different people I read, so every time I stumble back upon a blog that I read, I add it to those I've subscribed to on Google-Reader. That way I know what I read, and I know what's new. New posts arrive in Bold.


After typing the above, I get the distinct feeling that if I could read your thoughts, or if I'd said that to you over coffee, you'd respond with 'Tom, I hate to break it to you, but you are the last one in the country to get on-board with Google-Reader. In fact, only a few outside of the U.S. aren't using it, and they generally live in wig-wam type structures, slaughter pigs, and pick berries."


The point is - of those I read, 2009 seems like the end of the blog.
No one is writing anymore. No one is reading either.

The fad is over.


And for me, my life has turned. I'm no longer building a life with Alison, and I'm no longer fighting her illness with her. And I'm no longer a grief-stricken mess. Maybe inside I am. But generally not.



If I could end my life (metaphorically) and start-a-fresh (metaphorically), I'd make sure I took every single lesson I've learned, every single story I've lived, every single kiss Alison gave me, and pack it into my bag, and head on down the road.




See you on down the road...

Excited For Spring

Is it too early write that as a Post Title? I ask because last night I checked the weather, warning that Arctic air will be blowing down onto the Indianapolis area starting today, and there is a "Cold Air Advisory" for the rest of the week. The type of air that bites your skin, making it eerily red instantly, and making you squint your eyes, so as not to lose them.

But I'm here in Florida, and yesterday I sat at the pool reading an article entitled 'Bush Camping: How to Survive 5 years in a Tent.' The article is in the current issue of "Road RUNNER: Motorcycle Touring and Travel." It's reinvigorated my longing for those two-wheeled machines in hibernation in the garage. I'd almost forgotten about them. But I think it's more like repressing them so as not to long so dearly for the coming of Spring.

I can't wait for the first Spring weekend.

Speaking of magazines, the racks are full of hyper-specialized magazines. And that's just the problem with magazines: are any of us really into a specialization that much? Could I really want to read about weight-lifting and how to 'have a bodacious bod by Spring' every three weeks? What about a monthly subscription to read about the latest cars? I won't even mention the political/social clamoring, or the celebrity who-dun-it's.

I guess everyone has ONE special interest, though, and I've found mine.

I could read about possible motorcycle routes, about early morning coffee followed up with leaning into the curves, about places to stop and see, and about the techniques of self-preservation on the road - everyday. Good job, RoadRUNNER, you were a beacon yesterday for me, a perfect fit in the mess that is the magazine rack.

New Years Visit

January 2nd was sunny and brisk, so having accomplished what I needed to at work, I drove to visit Alison's grave. I haven't been avoiding it...but I could be accused of such. It was just that there's no gravestone there yet. By the time they were finished carving it, the ground wouldn't allow for the footer to be poured. I feel bad about that. I guess it just takes time.


I didn't stay long. I stood there by myself, just trying to be there - be present. I let myself feel what I felt. I could feel the sun in my eyes, I could feel the cold bite at my cheek, and I could feel it slowly cool my jeans until my legs were cold. I didn't, however, feel Alison's presence. She's just as much anywhere else as there. And I was sad about that. It would be nice to have a place to truly connect back. But death is expansive and permanent.

Life is too short.

Tomorrow I'm flying with my family for a vacation where the sun shines. Time to relax. Read some books on the beach. Oh, and run. Yesterday I tipped the scale at 224. Not that it's ALL BAD weight. But it's a good thing I'm 6'4. Last year when Ali and I were doing great things with our diets, I was 204. Christmas and New Years really packs it on!