January 2nd was sunny and brisk, so having accomplished what I needed to at work, I drove to visit Alison's grave. I haven't been avoiding it...but I could be accused of such. It was just that there's no gravestone there yet. By the time they were finished carving it, the ground wouldn't allow for the footer to be poured. I feel bad about that. I guess it just takes time.
I didn't stay long. I stood there by myself, just trying to be there - be present. I let myself feel what I felt. I could feel the sun in my eyes, I could feel the cold bite at my cheek, and I could feel it slowly cool my jeans until my legs were cold. I didn't, however, feel Alison's presence. She's just as much anywhere else as there. And I was sad about that. It would be nice to have a place to truly connect back. But death is expansive and permanent.
Life is too short.
Tomorrow I'm flying with my family for a vacation where the sun shines. Time to relax. Read some books on the beach. Oh, and run. Yesterday I tipped the scale at 224. Not that it's ALL BAD weight. But it's a good thing I'm 6'4. Last year when Ali and I were doing great things with our diets, I was 204. Christmas and New Years really packs it on!
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