The Path Ahead/Report Card

I haven't written much lately, but it's not because I haven't been thinking about it. I have thought of it a lot. I've been trying to find a way to catch the good ol' blog up with where I am. Finding a way to write my way out from under the remarkable tragedy that was August, and find a new direction to a bunch of words that have been about fighting an illness, harnessing love, and staying true. It can still be about the latter two. Harnessing the love that is in each of us, staying true to what is happening, what has happened, and the direction I want to push towards in the coming months and years.

So I guess what I'll do now is give you a report card of where I am.

In terms of my grieving process, I can happily report that I've come miles since August, miles since September. And I am elated to report that my progress has been paralleled by the changing of the seasons. Ice has not come over my heart, though it has my house, my deck and plants. I have found a way to keep the entire gamut of emotions. I feel what you'd think I'd feel, namely sadness. But I've found the other ones too. Excitement, happiness and love. I've rekindled friendships, made new ones, and found a way to continue to live with the same passion that I knew before Ali passed away and even before she was sick at all.

That doesn't mean to say I've forgotten. Certain things are crystallized into my mind and are still causing pain. But mostly that which has been crystallized are the lessons I've learned from the experience. I know I am a better person.

I have had some difficulties relating to family in recent weeks and months. I think it's exacerbated by each of our grieving processes. Everyone is going through it, and each is at a different spot. It takes time to find out where they're at. And even more to show where I am. I've been upset by their seeming ease with which they've taken back up everyday living. I've been upset at their excitement for what I find mundane. But I've also felt some of the same towards me, with others who are wondering how I can enjoy anything at all. Grieving is a personal process, and I feel like it may be like a Sine Curve, it never quite ends, but I'm hoping it lessens towards the limit.

So that's kind of where I am. Finding new joys. Rethinking the story, combing for the lessons I need to take with me.

In the coming weeks, I'll write less about my state of things, and more about what's happening, and my thoughts into other things. But it doesn't mean that I'm not in a process...I'm just taking a new direction. Tiring of writing about it.