Terrifying, Like Thestrals

So here's the first of the posts I spoke of last post: and this is one that I didn't have planned.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I see Alison in flashes in my eyes. I feel her kiss me, leaning over the bed, with her long blond hair hanging down around me. Then I see her smile with her short hair, and then I see her in her various appearances in the last year.

I apologize beforehand for the comparison, but it's like Harry Potter coming back to school being able to see the Thestrals. The things I see when I close my eyes. The memories flood.

I saw my wife's physical body go. Her spirit never did.

I know what happens to bowels in the final weeks. I know what sweat smells like and how that scent changes. I know what the mind starts to think. The way facial expressions change permanently. And it is terrifying and horrible knowledge, not because I'm scared, but because I had to watch the one I love endure it.

Plunging a knife into my chest would have been easier.

I tried to protect those that I love from that kind of pain; that kind of knowledge. It didn't work very effectively. Everyone there got to say goodbye, yes, but they all came away different. Impacted in the same way that I am impacted.

It's a heavy burden to bear. But I wouldn't have changed a thing. I would bear so much more if I could do it again. Laying next to her, I wished my heart would stop too. It didn't feel right to keep breathing.

I am still convinced it beats differently now.